It runs perfectly fine this week, but this night somehow, I feel that something feels off. I don't know what it is, but it feels tight on my stomach like something just went wrong. It could be just my excessive sugar intake or maybe not enough caffeine today.
All the time when I feel like this, I always had the ideas at the back of my head that maybe I did someone wrong. and all the mistakes I did to people. I did wrong to people, and no matter how much I said sorry, the bad feelings somehow flash in my mind and "sorry" would be understatement to say the least.
For the kind and sincere guy I met on 2008. I told about you to one of my colleagues today. How are you today? I remembered how kind you were cooking Udon for me. I still feel that I don't deserve your kindness you did for me on that embarrassing incident on our road trip. It was so sweet and kind I don't think there's no other guys would do the same decency like you did. So many times, I 'd like to say the biggest sorry to you. I wasn't supposed to be that mean. I treated you so bad. I was so young and stupid and I had so much fear in my life that time. But still, I should not be that harsh to you.. Hey you, my kindest friend. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
For you one of so few who dared say the "impossible words" to me. You had no idea how I felt so great about myself that time. You made feel "enough". You made feel I deserved to be liked, to be looked upon. But I was so young and full of fear. I irritated your pride. My words didn't reflect my actions. I hurt you. Sorry would never be enough. I'm sorry that I was so full of myself that I didn't even bat an eye when I decided to hurt you. Sorry.
For all the stupid things I have done to you, I do believe that I have experienced the "karma".
And again I say, I am so sorry...
December 2, 2021
