Life starts at 40! Really!?

It was 6:30 PM, and I had just arrived home from my brother's house. My sister picked me up because I had lost all my remaining energy and power from what happened that day. 

Well.. It was my birthday.. yeaaay.. I'm finally 40!!
No... If you expect this writing to be cheerful, then you'd better stop reading now. I have warned you. It's about regret, disappointment, loss of expectations, and false hopes. 

Knowing that it's my birthday, I was full of energy, just like usual. I mean, a day before, I went to a swimming pool (even though I wasn't that well) to be present at my students' swimming competition. I was tired, so I had to take a long nap of 3 hours. 

Back to the birth-day. I went around and full energy spreading positivity like what I always do. Saying hi here and there. and I went to K2 class to interact with this brilliant kids. They're full of joy and I believe they will have bright futures ahead. Amiin

It was rather okay when suddenly I got a text, "Kak.. There's a student in your office who has just made an issue, grade ______". Oh come on.. their school days in here are just 3 days left; Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then comes the graduation and another grads. 

But probably it is just not my lucky day. The teachers and I were already exhausted with everything. Then, I thought.. the mistake that this kid made was beyond my comprehension. I am done advising. So I took him to the "big" office and decided that it's great for everyone to "calm down". I asked the teacher to tell the parent to pick him up. He's just done for that school day. This is where the misery started bursting out of the devils' dent. 

With calm demeanor he came, but I could see his trousers were still folded up to his claves. He was sure in hurry and tried so hard to keep his composure. I welcomed him with a smile. I guided him to another office because my boss was still having other guests in there. 

He stood there, by the door, not getting in. He was just asking where he was. And I pointed there he was sitting waiting. He asked another question, and I answered. That when everything went down south. 

...................................................

The kids was hurt. I was hurt.... from protecting the kid. 

...................................................

I was freezing,.. I was too shocked to comprehend everything. It's not hurting me physically that much. I mean, my body has a high pain-resistance, maybe I am a cat (hehehhe). But what hurt me the most was I felt failed. I failed protecting the kid. I failed in handling the situation. I failed in anticipating things going south. 

But... what you could expect from people like that. Probably, what hurting me the most was not really the incident. It's the reaction and "words" after that incident. I could not. It shattered all my trust in seconds. I felt betrayed and God only know what I had in mind. I needed it to feel safe, so the last resort I had was my family. I called them, and that's it. Was it the last straw on the camel's back? It might be...

What I need now is an umbrella that protects, the warmth that doesn't intimidate, the trust that doesn't question, and last the objectivity that doesn't manipulate.
.......

As the days change, I don't want to feel regret in the future. I hate it when most people come and say "We need you", "I need you", "Think of us"...

I need me. I need me.

I have to stand for myself, for better or worse. Every man is for himself. And for everything that happened, I don't blame anyone. It is just my unlucky day, my 40th birthday. And if I could turn back time, I would just stay at home that day and none of this would end up like this. But it's probably just God's sign. And I want to read it clearly. 

Banda Aceh, May 2026

2025 in a "Fire" Reflection

So, I intent to write a 4-type review; Fire, water, wind, and earth.
This is the first one.

As 2025 comes to an end, I find myself longing for a decade ago—when time was spent reading and writing, when thinking itself was valued as a process of learning, not something to be rushed or silenced.

Today, critical thinking feels unwelcome. Truth, when spoken aloud, is dismissed as noise—an irritating buzz. Being loud, even in honesty, is considered impolite. Civility is no longer about integrity, but about how well one can fabricate words, regulate emotions, and package ideas to please. Fail to do so, and you are labeled a rebel. To be different is to be accused of opposing the norm.

People dislike what shines too brightly; it hurts their eyes. Strong personalities are slowly shattered in unhealthy environments—spaces that kill light softly, quietly, without leaving obvious scars.

To be “right” now often means obeying blindly and wearing a mask. Yet people forget that a rotten character can be smelled from afar. You may polish it with smiles, beautiful words, and a kind façade—but for how long can it stand? Eventually, the truth slips through: a smirk that appears uncontrollably, a gesture that betrays the act.

Fake friends.
Fake love.
Fake products.
Even faking goodness itself—so common that it has become the default of a sick society.

For every so-called noble cause, people manipulate their surroundings. “It’s for everyone’s sake,” she says—when in truth, it is the crown of pride she longs to place upon her own head.

Sometimes, misery does not come from within. Sometimes it is born from the poisonous air you breathe every single day, every single second of your life.

Every damn time I was fooled.
Every damn time I forgave.
And every damn time forgiveness made me look foolish.
In these times, forgiveness is seen as weakness. Compassion is treated as a flaw. Humility becomes a disadvantage—something others use to step on your head as they climb.

Fiiiuh…

Fuck you, 2025.
Fuck you—and goodbye.

I am done with you.
This year stripped people bare, revealing their true colors, and I hated what I saw. Beautiful skins paired with ugly hearts. Their presence suffocated me—dressed like angels, yet corrupted by a desperate hunger for validation, rotting their grace and innocence from within.

Or…
Perhaps, thank you, 2025.

Maybe it was me all along. Maybe my eyes were too dirty to see beauty in broken cracks. Hahaha.

But know this—I see you. I have seen you all this time.
And in 2026, you should walk carefully.

Because my worst nightmare has awakened.
You wait and see. 😎

Words are harsher than poisons

 (This piece of work was written on August 26, 2025)

What does it truly mean to live longer and see more?

I didn’t really understand it before — but life has its own way of teaching, sometimes in the hardest way possible. It shows me that words can be sharper than swords and more poisonous than venom.

Once words leave your mouth, they’re like arrows — you can’t pull them back. They’re no longer yours. They might strike the guilty… or wound the innocent.

Words can be either a joke or a curse — depending on who says them, and in what context.

As much as we try to forgive, it’s always hard to forget.
And that’s how life teaches us:

• That distance brings clarity. Stepping back doesn’t always mean pulling away. Sometimes, we hear things more clearly from afar.
• With distance, words find their true shape — and their echoes soften. Those echoes can heal broken souls… or shatter pure ones.

Whatever the outcome, words are always heard.
And when they are, they become more than just a collection of letters strung together to form meaning.

Whatever it is, words are always heard.. and when it is heard, they're more than just a collection of letter that gather-up to form a meaning. Words are us to convey the meaning and to get the message across.

So.. with your words, what's the message you want to say?

Impostor Syndrome (IS); That time when you never feel good enough

When you hear the word “impostor,” what do you really think of?
Most of us who lived through the pandemic at the beginning of 2020 probably heard it far too often — that the impostor is the bad guy in Among Us.

pic from verywell website

According to the Oxford Online Dictionary:

Impostor (n): a person who pretends to be somebody else in order to trick people.

Meanwhile, from Verywell Mind:

Impostor Syndrome: refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. While this definition is usually applied to intelligence and achievement, it also has links to perfectionism and the social context.

pic from the verywell website

The first time I heard this phrase was from my super-duper brilliant high school friend.
Ironically, she never thought she was brilliant. Back then, when most of us were already working or pursuing higher degrees, she was still thinking about doing a specialization in her medical studies. Because of that, she didn’t feel as great as everyone else.


Well, .. I felt it too. The feeling may come and go.



Before moving on, I'd like to say that this writing isn't academic and it's based on my experience and thought only. Okay...

Have you ever felt that you are never enough?
That annoying feeling that no matter how much you’ve achieved, your failures somehow feel more significant? Every time I think about this, I remember a conversation I had with my housemate during a field trip. He said,

“Humans are more attached to negative stories and feelings than to positive ones.”

Is it really like that?
When I scroll through the news on any platform, it seems true — negative stories do sell more.

As an English teacher who often deals with proficiency tests like TOEFL, I can relate deeply to his words. In the TOEFL Structure section, there are two types of questions:

• Completion items, where test-takers must choose the correct word or phrase to fill in a blank.

• Error analysis, where test-takers identify which of four options contains a grammatical mistake.

Interestingly, most students find the error analysis questions easier than the completion ones. Out of the 40 questions, only 15 ask us to “find the correct answer,” while 25 ask us to “find the error.”

What does this tell us?
That we are naturally more prone to notice mistakes.

(Original piece from December 2022 — continued in 2025)

Our brains are wired to notice negativity more than happiness. From an evolutionary point of view, our survival instincts trained our brains to stay on alert to protect us. We learn faster from painful experiences than from pleasant ones, because avoiding danger has always been key to survival.

That’s why negative memories leave deeper footprints than positive ones. It’s also why, in a workplace event, we may receive five compliments — but what stays rent-free in our minds is that one harsh comment.

This natural process of the brain, when it happens to overthinking individuals, can grow into something bigger.
A person who takes criticism too deeply — even with a shelf full of awards — may begin to see themselves as inadequate.

And this… is where impostor syndrome slowly creeps into our daily thoughts and perceptions.

At the end of the day, let this be a gentle reminder — a tool to help us stay humble, and to keep believing that everyone we meet in life knows something we don’t. The next time you hear that small voice inside your head saying, “You’re not enough,” let it become fuel to push you forward, not a brake that holds you back.

Impostor syndrome will always be there — even the most accomplished people experience it. But perhaps, it’s not a sign of weakness at all. It’s a sign that we are still learning, still growing, and still becoming.

Adagio; Can life be this sad?

When you want to read this writing, have Adagio for Strings, Op.11 played along.

Can life be this sad?
Whenever you think of your life, have you ever thought of your journey of life? From the time you actually remember things? Have you ever thought about how the things you remember the most are somehow the most miserable pieces of your life? Don't you ever wonder, every time you recall the saddest things in your life, those feelings just swarm in, and it feels like it's just happened.

the writing piece of March 2025

Your time is near

It was the first third of Ramadhan and I had so much turmoil already. My dearest cat, Taro passed away after being hospitalized 2 times, for more than two weeks. He couldn't make it any further. His time in this world has ended. Days after that, I got so many extra classes that made me get out of the house, so I didn't have to suffer realizing multiple times that Taro wasn't around anymore. 

A couple days after that, I had a nap and woke up from a weird vivid dream. I got one of my teeth pulled out. It instantly fell out of my gum out of nowhere. Legend has said that such a dream means your close one will be gone. That scared me for some time, but the feelings faded away.

Then...
I kept thinking about the unfinished matter I've had for so long time. Oh you.. If only you know how these feelings have been hanging. I can't go.. I just can't..
I need your help.

And.. these days, I've felt so empty and alone. Oh Allah, I need your help. And among all of these times, I felt like maybe my time is near. Maybe my time is near. But, every time I think about it, I wonder.. Oh Allah, am I not deserving to have what I want. 

This whole inside my chest. That feeling of nothingness had caused pains and I am numb.. I am numb.

ot make it  

Death

It's almost been for 4 years since I no longer use my personal IG. Due to a lack of confidence, the idea of "me equals failure" is so attached in my mind when I look through my posts on that IG. I even remember that I deleted a few posts that I think were "too high", it doesn't represent me at all. These "unworthy" feelings and "low self-esteem" have brought me to terrible emotional breakdowns a couple of times over the last four years.

All those achievements that I had, mean nothing. I'd got to the point where people could easily put me down with their looks. I was so weak and broken. I 

Until one time in the last three months, a series of tests had brought me down to my knees. It knocked me out so harshly. I mean, all this time, I got my power from people. But that time, people tested me a lot. Disappointment is common, but backstabbing!? It's something else. I had it before, long time ago. It was when I was small. Some people accused me of "stealing". Now I had few people that not only did they disappoint me, but also disregarded my integrity and dignity and tried to humiliate me in public. And what did I do.. Patience. Patience.. Patience. I felt weak and helpless. I didn't stand for myself, but I never regret it.

Instead, I found help. 
I tried to find help..

I went to therapy.

It was a bumpy process. It was a journey worth-taking. It is one of the best decisions I made this year.  

However, I lost some people in the process. I had to. I had to.. After I realized how tiring I was around them. How unequal the relationships are. I have stopped meeting people. I became more quite. I avoided gathering with people. I.. I.. I was so tired of these all.. I am so fed up of this episode I have to get through.

Four days ago,  a death news spread all over school. A parent of my students passed away. It was rather shocking news. No one expected this., I mean death is always surprising, but this one hit different. For the last four days, I kept thinking.. 

How if I die..

Will they cry and regret that they never try hard enough to "listen" to me.
Will they cry and regret the wrongdoings and backbiting they did to me.
Will they cry and regret that they used me too much for their own sakes.
Will my mom be okay. My mom.. TT,

But the more I think about death, the more I realize that this all insignificant,,
These people are insignificant, these pains are insignificant, these struggles and hardships are insignificant, these betrayals and disappointments are insignificant.

In the face of death, what I will bring is my deen and my deen only. 
Oh Allah, if the time is close, I am not ready. I mean.. noone's ready.
But, I hope I have more time to make my Mom feel enough of me..