Just a random "sad episode"

It's 5-7 minutes to 3 in the morning and I'm here sad and crying for no reasons. Well.. maybe it's my hormone, I don't know., or maybe it's the songs. And the screen.. the screen is me when I was young and happier (I don't know).

All this time, all the bless, it's not that I deny this all oh God,.. I'm just so lonely out of sudden. 

It's not that I'm being ungrateful. I'm just tired of hoping something I even have no guts to catch on. I'm tired of sending signs. It's been so long. And I feel like I'm over myself. It was just me who felt too much, assumed too far, liked so much that I lost my senses and logics. 

Now that I'm sure that I have to stay grounded and finally believe that this is the end of "hoping", I felt so bad and hurt and so not deserving. I am sooo broken by my own thought and selfishness. 

All the talks and words were just an act of politeness and kindness, and what was I thinking? I was such a fool! I was such a fool!

Now, I should leave this all behind. A friend once told me, "Oh come on.. you're too much. No one stupid enough like you wasting so much time on something so uncertain". I admitted then, I admit it now. I am so stupid. 

Thinking about how I might die someday, and leave no trace behind, no some beautiful stories, I'm crashed in pieces, Oh Allah... help me...
Getting older and older by day, and later when I am too weak.. Oh so sad.. so miserable..
Oh Allah, help me, I can't stop..

The small things in life

On my way to work that evening, I listened to Simon Sinek's talk on one of Spotify's podcast. It struck me that the very ideas of having a better life lie on 5 motivational rules in life.. 

Here are what he mentions in the podcast

1. Go after the things that you want
2. Sometimes, you are the problem
3. Take care of each other
4. Learn to speak last
5. Humility; the concept of every one of us actually only deserves a Styrofoam-cup for coffee

I do admit that it's pleasing and spirit-moving to listen. It is indeed motivational, but it's hard.
All the points above are actually skills to keep on practicing and they need a constant maintaining.

I just finished a short trip 2 days ago, and tonight somehow, I end up reminiscing old memories when trying to find old photos from the same place. And this relates to the point no.3 about how to take care of each other. It's about emphasizing with people close to you. 

I struck upon different groups of friends, come and go. And I find a heart-warming video of me laughing so hard while acting silly and my friends around me say nothing but laughed together. I remember how happy we were that day in the mushala. Ya Allah.. I miss these people, I'm crying. I miss my friends. I miss my supporters. They did the best for me in life I can't never thank them enough. 

I am crying looking back at all I had and experienced in life, MashaAllah. I have been blessed, but I don't think I have done what supposed to done as a pious muslim. 

Truly this writing is a mess..

I should just stop..

On the verge of freedom of information

I have just watched The Fifth Estate; a movie about how Wikileaks was started and mostly about how leaks_secrets are so powerful and at the same time so dangerous either it is to be kept or to be leaked. I am not going to talk about the political aspect about how the website works. Rather, I am talking about how "secrets" are better kept secrets.

And just last night, just like any other occasions, I was furious at my mom when she revealed my "secrets". She asked my niece about things I told Mom about her. She confirmed it, asked my niece about my opinion whether it was true or not. Though nothing was so outrageous happened about it, it's still nuisance to me. I recalled, she also did it the last time with my brother. I was upset of the things he said about me. I went to my mom crying, telling her, well.. mostly about how hurt I was because of that, but my mom decided it is more about "the words he said" rather than "the damage the words caused to me".

Secrets are "known about by only a few people; kept hidden from others" or used to describe actions and behaviour that you do not tell other people about"_both definition are from Oxford Learner's Dictionary.

Secrets are things we always try to keep either from ourselves or others. There are no good in secrets.
We all have that dirty little secrets about ourselves or painful secrets about people around us. But, do we really need to reveal them? I don't know. There are a part of this movie that I agree on; maybe, it is manufactured that way to control the like-minded people like me. I agree about how it ends. It's when Daniel screwed Julian at the end and cancelled the "leaks". I agree on the ideas that sometimes, big secrets bring more harm than good. I agree that sometimes, even when sacrifices need to be made for greater good, the damages can be too harsh for most of us.

In our daily life, sometimes we know someone close to us were so innocent about their husband "affair". Some kids know nothing about their mother/ father dirty secrets. We may know someone who are the children of government corrupt, but somehow we managed to pretend to know nothing about it. And let's called it secrets. Those are the secrets that we keep for a better purpose, to maintain good relationship, to keep someone "safe". Or.. is it wrong to do it that way.

I remember I know someone who saw a friend fiancé of hers went out with another woman just two weeks before he's getting married. She kept that secret dear to her heart until.. Until that friend marriage was broken in pieces and that friend of hers in the verge of hell in life. The secret was considered too late to be revealed? We never know. Say, she knew it earlier that she was about to marry unfaithful man, would she believe it? Would she consider it "a help" or "a threat"? Nobody knows.

Today, life's is unprecedented due to the fast exchange of information. Everyone gets to know everything they want in a single type of their fingers.. or their thumbs. Scandals, dirty political secrets, conspiracies, corruptions, are our daily feed for our little brain and weak hearts. They were there to be the limits for people to stay on their moral radar at all time. But.. do we have to mind these all when it brings more harm to our "trust" on goodness. Don't we have to have a little bit of skeptical attitude every now and then? I don't know.

Freedom of information is a thing nowadays. People feed on more facts about everything around the globe every single day than they were 20-30 years ago. And somehow, were most of us, are not ready about it. We grasp too early, conclude too fast, believe too innocently to everything served on our "plates of information" without even questioning, "Is it true? Is it really relevant? Is it really important?". We meet people whose background are economics, but talk about pandemics and viruses as if they were virologists. We encounter teachers who speak about politics as if they're willing to leave their underpaid-jobs to be the next politicians. We even see politicians who talk about morals as if they were saints.. as if they were sooo true.

I don't know.. I don't know what we should do really? What I know is that, it is wiser to keep track on what you can control rather than minding things beyond your control. It is more energy-saving for you and me to mind what we can mind rather than talking "too big" it may sound like bullshits.

On my search of good quote about the danger of secrets, I find the following quote relevant;

"We all have secrets we keep locked away from the rest of the world... Friendships we pretend... Relationships we hide... But worst of all... Love we never let show. The most dangerous secrets a person can bury are those we keep from ourselves."

and at the same time, the same person who said that also said this line;

"Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. It’s not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when then different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost. And the monsters find a way of getting out."