It’s been a while that I didn’t write. I mean not this kind of writing. I
did write personal statements, study objectives, study plans, and all the craps
like application form and stuff. Yeah... I did craps for my life. Instead, I
kept doing it. I was trying to kill my joys inside me, trying to convince
myself that I do love these kind of things. In fact, I’m exhausted.
There were some points in all past months this year, I wanted to scream,,
so loud that I could loose my voice. But, I never did it. I did scream, so loud
and painful.. Inside. I complained, felt sorry for things I kept loosing, for
chances that slipt out of my hands like sands. I hate it to feel that way but I
did.
All the past year I think I learned and acknowledged too many things; From
loosing and letting go, from falling in and falling out, from remembering and
forgetting, from cursing to praising. I know it I am not perfect. Nobody is..
yeah.. Perfect is nobody. Once you are perfect you become noone to be worth
alive. You are death when you’re perfect since life is imperfection.
I saw too much, and knew too much that sometimes my mind and my heart could
not take it all. It caused me dying. And these hard times that I got was
somehow a precious lifetime experiment He ever sent me. He does want me to
improve my whole life.
The last months I keep suspecting myself for thinking that maybe I’ve
changed. I’ve changed to be someone I really did not want. From any jealousy I
felt for people around me, from the good things people around me got, but I
didn’t. But this night I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing wrong with
that. That’s so human that every one expect something better to be happened in his/her life. What
is all wrong about that!? Why did I curse myself for feeling so.
And those jealousy was nothing wrong, not untill it shapes you to someone who
is not actually you. And that jelousy almost drowned me the last two weeks. All
the chances offered by government did give me terrible days, not dirrectly
anyway, but it killed my days. While so many people took part and I reminded
silent, my beloved one thought I was an idiot that I kept this brilliant chance
to go astray.
For the sake of heaven, Never in my life I do something I do not like.
Never and ever. But why do I have to? For letting they think I am a successful
woman then? Who define that for whom? Your friends? Your neighbours? Your
parents? Teachers? Counterparts? If so... Poor us! What life we are living
now.. Noone can define something good for you but you. But why is it happened
all of the time? Why do we let ourselves go out of the paths we built back then
when we were so young.
This afternoon in my class my students asked me two questions out of ten
questions I let them ask to each other. Instead, some were asking me. What is success
for you and does it have something to do with happiness? I was kind of
surprised by my own quick answer that led me stay in silent for a while after
so. For me.. Success is when I stop wishing and wanting things to be happened
in my life and pushing myself so hard to get it. My student laughed as I didn’t
get my words either. Then I corrected my words quickly, “getting higher
education”, I said. But does it really it? what then? How if I get it soon? Am
I success?
Then I think my first answer is the right and honest one. Success is when
you start thinking there is nothing wrong with your life. You feel grateful and
that’s it. That is the success life as you know it. and happiness? Happiness
comes along, always.
Some people who do not have faith in something superior than anything in
this world might say, “You live only once, do whatever you do and do not regret
for it. Everyone is gonna die though”. Somehow I agree with this idea, but I do
believe in after life and strongly have faith that everything you do is gonna
be questioned latter on when you die. So there is judgement day, at least for
me, or you.. The ones who believe. And that only means one thing for me, a
somewhat religious woman. It is a form of emerging these two idea of “you live
only once” and “you need to consider everything you do coz you have to be
responsible for it”. This is a point where sometimes I curse myself of being
jealous to people. And this is also the reason why I always (I try) can
alternate it to be something positive. To be my fuel of being a better person.
So... do we really know what life is? Or do we actually aware that it is us
who can keep the evil inside us come out as evil or in more intelligent way, as
gooddeed. Jealousy is like a hammer, but when you use it wisely along with
chisel, you can turn an unuseful log to be a beautiful work of art.
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