Lost

What is the purpose of this hardship? Are you really in this road by your own decision? Or is it the world that conspired that lead you to this point in life? Once you think it is great to pursue and live your dream, but then out of the blue life is becoming so flat that lose its sparks. At that point in life you think that you want to take a break.

It is not about having holiday at beaches and getting some vitamin Sea; It is truly not having me-time and getting your self secluded from the whole world; It is not being ungrateful or being a piece of living-shit that doesn't know how to thank the stars how great your life today. It is simply you just want to stop the time, not because it is boring, or too hectic.. or just because you don't like it. It is just a matter of self-reflection whether you are now in the right path that leads you to the right way. It is simply a mater whether time will reveal the secrets of life to you, and you just so impatient in waiting any longer.

I thought I miss spring, but here I am in the gate of this flowery season. But I do not feel the bliss. I thought I need to be alone, but here I am all by myself. But I keep missing people and places and moments. I thought I want chores and sweat to drain from me, but darn it... that doesn't feel like the old days. I lose my appetite over even the tastiest food for my thick tongue. I thought I am all okay, but DAMN It! DAMN IT.. I miss home so much!!

This is the life I dreamed about in the past with books, articles, and computer to work with for academic eureka.. Being a erudite woman that can at least initiate change for her family with her writing. But dude.. I even get sucks in writing more and more. I even think that I start losing my ability in academic. This is degradation of self actualization. I lose my excitement in involving in any social activity and event. I lose my excitement in reading more and more books. I lose friends and the will of getting that bond with people. The more I get to know people, the more I learn that I have a huge trust issue. I am becoming someone I was not. I am someone who get lost on my way to reach that fulfillment of life. I am lost in me.. Or

Or it is just life is in its own default.. It is just how it is and everyone has to walk through it...

Be grateful and count our bless..
Someone out there may really want to live your life, so live it at the fullest.
Slap your face even more..


Duhig Tower, UQ St Lucia,
10 August 2015

Nothing but a silent cry

There is time in life when you just don't know what is wrong. Everything is just right how it should be. Everything seems to be find.You just can not explain how that annoying feeling comes strikes in a very unexpected way possible.

It just doesn't feel right but you don't know what it is. And..this shit moment and time what I need most is a warm and tight hug from a woman who sends me to this unpredictable world of shit.
I miss her so bad..

Early this evening after finishing my class, I walked by the lake at the uni. The weather was just perfect. I heard a man playing his guitar in the dark. he was all alone. And I know he must feel it the same way, but he plays guitar instead of crying under the dark sky of August.

I stopped for no reason and took a a sit in a sudden stream of tears that fell on the ground. I recall my life in the past months Remembering all the decisions I have made and wondering how it may end up. Thinking..thinking.. and I thought I should go closer to that man who played guitar under the dark sky by the lake. Then I sat there, silently, listening to every slow pitch he played in silent cry of August. I looked up at the wide open sky. I screamed in silent and turning myself down. How I could I be so ungrateful?? It is all so perfectly designed, but I cried?

I then wiped it all. I took a deep hard breath and stood.. I walked those path down again heading to Duhig. How I love this building. How it turns any feeling into academically organized.

No matter how scattered my feelings and my days are, in this place, I feel warm.. Literally warm and comfort. So many nights and I don't bother counting.

And so many nights it becomes a place where me.. and nothing... turns into a silent cry...