Fireworks through the windows

I walked down the street once I got out of the bus. A little smile and wave goodbye to the bus driver.. "Byee...", she replied me with "Have a good day". "You too..", I said with the widest smile I can give. Life is smooth and slow pacing these days. There are two ways to get to the house; the stairs and the path that is supposed for car. I chosed the second one to check the mail box. Nothing I expected, but there's a short paper saying there would be firework this Saturday night. All residents who have pets nearby was warned to be prepared. That just puts another smile to my face. Fireworks.

I am just chilling at home this Saturday. I wake up in the morning, quite early, but I stayed there on my bed till 11. Eleven!? But who cares? I just want a nice day for myself today.

I just stayed at home. Eating.. chilling.. Owh.. like I have no assignment at all (er) 

(and it never finished)

12/09/2015

One fine afternoon on the Boundary Street

It was just my new casual Saturday. I had lived in this city of Brisbane for two months at that time. I just felt settled with the life there, the academic, social,  work life, and everything in between.

The third week I was there, I was recruited to teach Indonesian children to read Quran in a community mosque in West End. After the class, it was around 13.00, my friend and I decided to have a visit to weekly farmer's market. Then, we took a walk to reach the site. It was just another busy Saturday noon in West End when suddenly a door of a hotel opened just right before us. A middle-age guy went out of the building, lighted his lighter on, and put it right in front of me. I could feel the fire at that time. As the shock was not enough, he slurred while smiling "I feel like burning your f***ing scarf!". I was stunned, frozen on the place where I stood. I looked around for help forgetting that I had my friend by my side. There was another guy leaning on the wall near by. I looked into his eyes, not saying anything. I was about to say something when he said, "Oh yeah.. terrorist!". I felt weak right at the moment, but my instinct said "Go.. run! you should save yourself!". Still I forgot I had my friend by my side. I remember I tried to smile when that first man threatened me. But I could not help it when the second guy added the offensive words.  Right on the traffic light, I stood there and went numb. There was a young teenager who was there right after me, looking at me. I didn't know if he saw it or not, but he smiled at me, and he pushed the crossing button for me. My friend was there now, I ca't clearly remember. She was there with me and asked whether I was okay. I wasn't. We crossed the road and kept walking, pretending that nothing happened.

We stopped by the Coles, had some shopping, hoping that I would forget what just happened. I kept silence. We finished the shopping and when back home, and that silence broke. I started crying now in the bus. I couldn't stop. I cried so hard, I believed some old ladies offered to help, but my friend handled it gracefully, she is indeed a graceful lady, my precious friend. We took ferry to cross the river, and the walk home that day felt so much longer than usual. Just when I arrived home, I cried on and off. There were times when I screamed my heart out on to the pillow. The only think I thought was, no way, I would run home to Indonesia. I would never stay any longer here. I was not accepted here.

That night, the news spread among the Indonesian community, and somehow reached one of the police officers who suggested me and my friend to file a report about this incident the next day. I was so terrified. What? Police? No way. But everyone somehow convinced us to report. Then the next morning, we did it.

Days passed, and I still felt traumatized. One day, two police officers arrived in our unit. One of them was a woman with hijab too. It gave me a lot of comfort, to be honest. I still remember, I kept the music on a bit loud, not too loud thou, just to distract myself from all the terrifying feeling of being rejected. But I must admit, the police department worked really well that they kept checking on me.

Four weeks after that incident, I got a call from the police department. A woman on the other side of the line sound so in rage but relieved at the same time. She said that they finally succeed in tracing the CCTV footage and they were trying hard to seize the guy. Three days after that, the guy was captured, and I got another call. That was the last call, and I refused to attend the trial. I don't know what it's called, but I told them they could handle the case now. I was a coward for being scared to attend the court and I was afraid to see him again. I was thinking, "I will stay here for 20 more months. No way I had that courage to show my face to him!". I thought the police was not happy about it, but that was my decision.

I remember that I kept the story for myself and not telling anyone home but my cousin. She couldn't keep the secret herself. My mother called me after the incident. We cried. I remember feeling so bad and disrespected. It's not new feeling, but in Australia, I had no family. I mean I had a lot of supporting friends, but that's different. The trial done and the news was spread among Indonesian community in Brisbane. Here are some of them.

Man who threatened to burn hijab
https://au.news.yahoo.com/man-fined-for-muslim-headscarf-fire-threat-25357900.html

A couple months after it, I checked my spam inbox on Facebook, and saw that someone from local TV tried to reach me. Hehehe.. Sorry mam, I just didn't know you texted.

This incident has clearly taught me a lot. It seems like I was trained on how to treat minority in your community, how to really carefully watch your words and actions. To this day, I am still learning it. Tolerance is not the word I want to use really. Compassion seems too much. Respect is what I think appropriate. I should learn how to respect others for whoever and whatever they are. And more importantly I should learn how to forgive. I was damaged because of that, but I should forgive to let go and feel peace.

And a couple of months ago before deactivating my Facebook account, I found his account. I finally learned that he was an artist too. He paints. Isn't weird how the world works? And I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to Voldemort and Harry Potter. Voldermort didn't realize it when he attacked Harry, some of his power was transferred due to the attack. I was somehow, starting painting in 2017. Hey Mr. Dominic! I paint too now!! Hahahahah

2017 is one hell of a year

I am not gonna complain or ignore that is so much more to life in this 2017 than grief, loss, and death. But let's face it. It's been too much this year.

Now that I'm sitting here all by myself full of questions, scared minds, uncertain thoughts, and sadness.. Real hurt sadness. My father is laying on the sick bed inside. Being unconcious for more than 3 days now. Regret.. That's the first thing comes in my mind if something worse happens to him. I question my existance and promises I made in the past. Why am I here on the first place? Why am I not there..
_________________________________________________________________________________

Written 6 days before he left forever...

And that I check this draft again, I feel grateful while another part of me still can't let go that feeling of grief, that feeling lost. I have faced a lot last year, learned a lot, made big decisions that now have taken me places (not literally).

I have revealed great things,
_________________________________________________________________________________

I check those two writings again. Now is October 24, 2018, and next month on the eleventh, he will be gone for a year.

They say that there are five stages of lost; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've been at stage 4 and I think I am finally in peace now, but I do remember how scattered my feelings and life were.
I wasn't on his side when he breathed out his last. I was home and was about to visit him again. My world was turning upside down. Everything seemed to go wrong. Everything seemed to go against me. I didn't like the idea of people gathering around just to remind me more and more that "Yes, he's gone now! Accept it and live your life"

I was in a fight, cold war with some members of my family in the first two weeks after he's gone. It's like I didn't have anyone to hold on to. I lost the trust of myself. I lost trust in everyone. My anger was so massive that it hurts everyone around me and me even more.

Then comes a big decision I had to make to stay alive. I had to keep moving on. The end of 2017 is turning over for me. I decided to quit working from a place that pretty much makes me who I am today. I moved to a new place to work in my undergrad University.

Thus, the upside downs of the life of 2017 have changed and taught me a lot.

1. Don't put your expectation high on people. People are nice, but most of the time, people are disappointing.

Don't get me wrong. I love people and I am the kind of person who believes that everyone was born an angel. Circumstances and the way we react are what change and transform us. But people have their own interest and goals too in life, and when it's conflicting with your needs, of course, people will put theirs first. It's called common sense. So, repeat after me.
"I will not rely on people when it comes to my own happiness"

2. Nothing stays forever...
People you love will die
Money is gone wasted
Trust will be betrayed
People will forget you
Your time will be limited
You will be sick
The crowd will be changed with the painful silence
There will be time when music will no longer relaxing
Your degrees will be useless
The things you've learned and you've known will be outdated

Then what?
Stand your ground! Chin up and face this life with confidence. Nobody says that everything will be smooth. It is not! You will face regrets. You will feel hurt and disappointment. At your worst time, you will want to die or run, to say the least. Nobody can guarantee that you will be forever and ever, happy. No! It's a cotton candy fact. No one lives like that. Everyone has problems, and you are not special, nor with your privileges or your drawbacks. So, move on!

3. Don't hold on your grudge
Forgive but never forget. there is a famous say "The stupid neither forgive nor forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but not forget". Living among people will allow you to have different circumstances. You can't control them, but you can always control how you react towards them. People will always and always have reasons for whatever they do and say. Don't argue with it. If it hurts you, then forgive it, but never forget it. Let it go. Not for them, but for the sake of your own mental health. You don't wanna be self-absorbed and self-centered. When people being grumpy, it's not always about you. Maybe they have bad days and it has nothing to do with you. The world doesn't revolve around you. LIVE ON! LET GO!
You can always learn from them. Remember the pain, embrace the feelings, so that you don't repeat their mistakes on others.

Those are three big lessons I learn in that year. I wrote it not because I did it. It's because I fail in it. I expect too much from people. Once I get something,m I will think that it's forever for me. I don't like unnecessary change in everything. I don't like sudden changes. I hold on grudge and it was hard for me to forgive anything and anyone. I was shattered. I was torn in pieces. I turn bitter toward things and people.

This piece of writing is finally finished today (June 26, 2019). It's fascinating how  I still can remember what I faced in 2017. Bye 2017, it's 2019 and now I am stronger. 

Umat Terbaik (repost from FB Notes posted on February 2, 2010)

Aku satu diantara berjuta umat terbaik yang ada (katanya)

Kemarin aku merasa tak berharga, seolah hanya seorang perempuan hina yang tersesat di hutan. Tak ada seorang yang menunggu, tak pula ada yang mengkhawatirkan, tidak satu manusiapun bertanya…

Seolah aku begitu rendah, bahkan seorang bajingan sekalipun tak pantas berteman denganku. Seolah hanya debu dan anginlah tempat berteduh, seolah hanya malam yang mampu menenangkanku.

Sadar, aku bukan seorang manusia yang sempurna, karena tak ada satu manusia pun terlahir sempurna. Karena bahkan menjadi sempurnalah merupakan “ketidaksempurnaan”. Karena sempurna hanya ada pada yang benar-benar Ada. Aku terlahir sempurna, menurut mereka yang belajar apa itu persilangan. Kata mereka pembelahan selku sempurna, tak ada cacat fisik, tak punya cacat bawaan, ataupun penyakit mematikan. Seiring waktu aku pun sadar lingkungan tempatku tumbuh masih begitu nyaman. Aku punya orangtua utuh, bapak dan ibu, punya hampir selusin saudara kandung yang akan selalu ada untuk membelaku. Waktu terus berputar dan keluargaku melipatgandakan angkanya. Sekarang jika aku adalah putri salju (silahkan tertawa, karena ini cuma pengandaian kawan!), maka aku punya 3 kurcaci tambahan yang akan selalu mengobati lukaku. Kurcaciku jauh lebih lucu dari kurcaci putri salju. Kurcaciku jauh lebih pintar dari kurcaci putri salju. Kurcaciku pun beragam dan satu yang kutahu, hariku tanpa matahari, jika tak ada satu kurcacipun yang kutemui.

Sadar, aku bukan selembut putri salju. Tak sepintar Bill Gates. Tak semulia ibunda Khadijah. Tak secerdas Aisyah. Aku bukan Maryam. Aku Cuma perempuan bodoh yang selalu mencari pembenaran akan diri. Selalu bersuara lantang saat dihina dan diinjak harga dirinya. Selalu membangkang saat dikekang. Menangis saat disakiti dan terluka. Terbahak saat waktunya. Selalu keras kepala.

Sadar, aku bukan siapa siapa. Hanya seorang teman yang tak perlu dikenang terlalu lama jika suatu saat harus pergi. Juga bukan aristocrat yang biografinya akan ditulis oleh lebih dari 5 orang penulis peraih Pulitzer. Aku bukan sesiapa. Aku juga bukan seorang yang negaranya akan hancur jika keputusan yang kuambil salah. Aku bukan orang yang perkataannya akan dicatat dalam beratus skripsi mahasiswa tahun akhir, dan namaku juga tak ada pada bahkan satu citation pun disana. Aku bukan siapa-siapa.

Sadar, aku bukan baginda Rasulullah SAW, yang perkataan dan perbuatannya adalah mutiara. Yang jika melihatnya maka sejuk hatimu. Yang jika memeluknya surga bagimu. Yang setiap perkataannya akan dihafal terus oleh sebagian umat yang bagiku sangat mulia. Aku bukan siapa-siapa.

Tapi kawan….
Jangan pernah rendahkan, karena aku punya Tuhan. Jangan pernah hinakan, karena aku punya hati dan perasaan. Jangan pernah jatuhkan, karena aku akan berdiri dan lantang berteriak di wajahmu bahwa aku “manusia beruntung” yang dipilih Tuhan. Ingat itu kawan! Aku sering berbuat dosa, aku sering lupa, aku sering khilaf, aku sering menyakiti. Namun tak boleh ada satu umatpun yang berhak berkata kalau aku tak pantas dapatkan surga, tak ada satu umatpun yang boleh kata aku calon penghuni neraka. Tak boleh satupun mengklaim, kalau surga adalah miliknya. Karena bagiku, Hak Tuhan adalah Hak-Nya. Kau tak bisa ambil, tidak juga aku. Kawan, aku bukan seorang ulama atau filsuf yang mengkaji beratus kitab tuk menulis sebuah kitab lainnya. Aku bukan ilmuwan yang harus berbulan-bulan berkutat di lab demi suatu penemuan. Namun kini mataku terbuka kawan, dan kalian yang membantuku. Kalian ajarkan aku surga dan neraka. Kalian ajarkan aku tuk membaca setiap tanda. Dan kini aku tahu, bahwa tak ada takwa yang mampu terbaca oleh manusia. Satu lagi kawan, Hak-Nya adalah Hak-Nya, kau tak bisa ambil, tidak juga aku. Aku Cuma manusia biasa, sering kecewa dan marah, sering terluka. Dan kau ajarkan aku tuk lupa. Tapi kawan, aku telah membaca bahwa takwa bukan dari apa yang kau kenakan. Bukan dari berapa panjang kain yang kau kibarkan, bukan dari berapa helai janggut yang kau biarkan tumbuh disana. Takwa…. Yang aku tahu, hanya menjadi Hak-Nya dan hanya Ia yang Tahu.

Sekarang, sehebat apapun kau merasa dirimu. Sebersih apapun kau kira dirimu. Sesuci apapun kau lihat dirimu, kumohon jangan rendahkan aku. Karena aku pun sama denganmu. Aku bersyukur karena apapun yang kulalui, apapun yang mereka katakan, aku masih punya Tuhan. Dan Tuhan ku berkata…. Aku tergolong kedalam umat terbaik yang diutus tuk manusia. Aku salah satunya, dan kuyakin kalian juga. Lalu kenapa kau mesti menggolongkanku pada kelompok yang berbeda, padahal Tuhan menyatukan kita. Kenapa kau pisahkan aku karena aku seorang yang keras kepala, karena toh Tuhanku berkata kita adalah umat yang menyeru surga…..

Ingat kawan, walau aku bukan yang terbaik dimatamu. Walau aku merupakan aib bagimu. Walau aku satu-satunya hal yang ingin kau lupakan dan hapus dari ingatanmu. Aku tetaplah sama denganmu, dan aku masih punya Tuhanku. Aku yakin Tuhan ku pun Tuhan mu. Lantas kenapa kita bersiteru!?

Januari 2010
setelah Shubuh itu pergi, mesjid itu tetap disana, akan selalu menyeru....Allahuakbar

HUJAN (repost from FB notes posted on February 13, 2010

Jika aku harus memaknai sebuah kisah, kumaknai kisah ini seperti hujan…..
Sama seperti hujan, kisah ini berputar…. Bermula di lautan, ehm.. tidak, kisah ini bemula di anak-anak sungai yang menyatu di sungai besar. Untuk kemudian bermuara di lautan….

Bermula dari sebuah goresan di bibir, lukisan wajah yang dinamai senyuman. Dari sana senyuman berubah simpati dengan riak-riak hidup seperti kesal, marah, benci, tawa, duka, sepi…. Saat sungai rasa mengalir menuju lautan yang luas, rasa itu pun bermuara. Jika kau bisa menyebrangi sebuah sungai, bukanlah hal yang sama jika kau menyebrangi lautan. Jika kau ingin mendayung perahumu di sungai, tak akan semudah itu jika kau mendayung perahumu di lautan. Dan saat rasa mu berubah seluas dan sedalam lautan, akan sulit bagimu untuk pergi. Sangat sulit karena rasa itu telah menyatu dan membumi.

Saat hari panas dan terik, lautanpun menguap….
Saat itu, rasa menguap karena keengganan dan ketidakpedulian, rasa menguap oleh terik kemarahan dan dendam, berselang waktu yang lama, terus rasa itu menguap. Bahkan jika ditanya bagaimana lautan merelakan sebagian dirinya menguap diangkasapun, ia tak tahu. Kepergian harus ada. Dan untuk ini laut harus melepas rasa itu pergi… jauh ke tempat yang tak pernah bisa diraihnya.
Saat waktu menjawab segalanya, dendam tak lagi menjadi dendam, marah tak lagi menjadi marah, yang ada hanya keikhlasan seputih awan di langit sana…

Saat semua awan menggantung pun, kadang marah tak tertahan, karena diri tak mampu mendamaikan hati untuk berharap. Kecamuk dalam diri memaksa keikhlasan menjadi pasrah dan kecewa, fakta kadang datang seperti petir. Senantiasa menampar awan yang putih itu.
Awanpun menghitam…

Tangis tak terbendung saat kesedihan merajai hati. Menangispun sekarang tak butuh alasan. Saat hujan tak ternbendung, air pun tumpah dari langit kembali jatuh pada tempat-tempat dimana semua kisah ini bermula.

Pada anak-anak sungai kebaikan, kebijakan, kepedulian, keramahtamahan. Sekuat apapun menolak, kisah ini akan terus berputar… seperti hujan… kisah ini pun akan terus ada, dalam titik-titik hujan, yang mendamaikan hati…




February 8, 2010

A year at home (Back for Good or Back and Restart)

It's been more than a year I've been home again.The journey to the land of Oz is now over. I just have to wake up from a very beautiful dream.

Life when you're home again after being so long at other land is not easy. I knew it, but I didn't know it's gonna be this hard. Not that everything I experience after my homecoming is all gloomy stories, but it's harder.
 One thing for sure, the people that once you left are not the same when you come back home.Or maybe, it's you that have changed. I do admit it. I've changed a lot. Australia has turned me to be someone else. Some changes are good, but others \.. well.. not that bad.. but somehow, people around find it difficult to digest. The truth is, you can never replace the time that you've missed. Two years is not a very long time, but it's quite significant to make you become a "completely new student in the class" again. Forget about the jokes, sad feelings, and joyous you didn't know about. Below are some big obstacles you will face once you're home again and follows by some tips from me to overcome it all, and once again become a winner in your own life.

https://www.pinterest.com/explore/leaving-home-quotes/

1. Family

My first three months at home was completely hell. I have some quarrel  with my c\siblings. It's the hardest time ever. I couldn't imagine how great our relationships now every time I look back at that time. How did I face it. Stick and stone baby,...Keep rolling. I used to be frank, and I am still frank. I know it's not good to be honbest without being tact at the same time. But truths are truths. It's better someone close to you reveals that compared to insignificant others.


2. Finance
Daaaamn!! I can't believe I will be this broke. My financing is way worse compare to me before leaving to Australia. I can't believe it. I went straight to work two weeks after arriving safe and sound at home. I brought back some money home, but then... where has it gone. I didn't spend myself, I am a frugal person TBH. I helped my family out and it left me nothing. So, I've worked like a dog for the past year and got savings. But hey... Look what I did... I spend it again ,,huge amounts.. For having a better place to sleep and live. I guess it makes sense.I mean, I spend it for some good cause, but still I am so poooooor.
Not to mention, I have nothing left, I've debts, lost my phone (Iphone6- Someone stole it GoddamnIT!!), no savings. Wadafaaaaak!!! I didn't prepare this. It's too much now.

3. Society.
When you live in a community that has some standards, duuuuude.. You will face some shits! You can go work everyday without being judge, "When will you get married?" (For God sake, I really want to reply, "When do you think you're gonna die?". It's mystery!!!You !!!!
And to make it worse, your family is a part of the so0ciuety, so of course they hold the same value so dearly. What can you do with your MASTER DEGREE if you're just ending at ELEMENTARY SCHOOL!? I've got this not only my colleagues, but also my relatives. "It will be hard for you to get a partner!!", "You're old and have so many degrees.. You'll end up alone and lonely!", YOU THINK!!!!
COme on people.. what's so wrong with our society. Being a teacher is a very valuable job on earth,"Pekerjaan Mulia" I may say.
SO.., STFU!!!

4. Friends
Since your leaving, your friends were getting married, have babies, moving to different parts of the world. And you will end up sitting in a cafe all by yourself. It's not that hard thou.I am a bit introvert now. So,let's take that as an advantage. Chin up.. MOve ooon

MY goooosh... Why did I stop writing??????
It's a soothing activity, and I am feeling a lot better now. And YOU!! The one who stole my phone, my your soul be burn in hell!!

1 October 2017

Ramadhan Karim

Ramadhan di depan mata..

Masih saja dengan jengkal iman yang sama. Dengan berdepa-depa dosa..
Masihkah dengan angkuh yang sama? Masihkah dengan hati yang keras dengan congkaknya jiwa.
Masihkah tanpa malu menghadapNya tanpa sedikit pun rasa berdosa.
Masihkah terus bergulat dan berkutat dengan dosa-dosa yang sama?
Kepalsuan-kepalsuan dan kesemuan-kesemuan hiasan dan kebahagiaan sementara atas nama dunia..

Kita.. insan papa, yang kadang lupa akan hakikat manusia yang terus berkalang dosa. Masih teruskah meninggi hati dengan setitik kesempatan yang dititipNya. Kita yang terus menerus mematikan hati dengan hal remeh temeh atas kepuasan diri sendiri. Lantas mencibir saat naung kebenaran didengungkan. Lantas menertawakan panggilan-panggilan suci yang mengajak ke jalan kebenaran.
Kita manusia.. hina dina.. Lantas dengan sombongnya mendengungkan sabda-sabda suci. Menterjemahkan dengan ketidakfasihan lisan, ketidaksempurnaan asal muasal. Bahkan dengan sebaris "basmallah" pun kadang kita silap, lantas dengan tanpa malunya menghujani dengan bait-bait surah-surah suci.
Berkalang dosa, berulang-ulang.. Lantas menyudutkan usaha-usaha kecil saudara yang terus memperbaiki diri.

Kita.. umat kita.. sekarang..
Sibuk dengan benar tidaknya qunut. Sibuk dengan sahih tidaknya perayaan maulid. Heboh dengan remeh temehnya kebenaran apakah "kaumku" atau "kaummu" yang disebutkan Baginda Rasulullah.
Berkalang dosa lantas mengutuki saudara sendiri! Mengkafirkan manusia-manusia hanya berdasar setitik debu ilmu yang tidak seberapa mana.. Lantas dengan sombong menghukum.. menghukum.. mengadili.. mengfatwa.. menjatuhkan.. membunuh niat-niat suci..

Hanya berbekal sebait dua bait ayat lantas mengadili..
Kita.. berisi setitik.. lantas membumbung, meninggi... lantas ilmu setitik pun menguap..
Kita.. Berbuat.. berbuat tanpa bertanya.. berbuat tanpa pernah tahu.. Lantas amal.. pun pecah.. berhamburan seperti debu-debu...beterbangan,..

Saudaraku,
Ramadhan di depan mata..
Maafkan lah setiap silap dan salah..
Semoga Ramadhan terus bergelimang berkah dan dosa-dosa kita berguguran..

Ramadhan Karim..
Brisbane, 28 Sha'ban 1437 H

Ilmu itu seyogyanya membumi..

Saat menukik, tajam membumbung di langit, maka ilmu.. Baiklah ia terus ditempa.  Semoga kita menjadi manusia yang dengan ilmunya, beramal.. Amalnyapun berdasar ilmu.