Death

It's almost been for 4 years since I no longer use my personal IG. Due to a lack of confidence, the idea of "me equals failure" is so attached in my mind when I look through my posts on that IG. I even remember that I deleted a few posts that I think were "too high", it doesn't represent me at all. These "unworthy" feelings and "low self-esteem" have brought me to terrible emotional breakdowns a couple of times over the last four years.

All those achievements that I had, mean nothing. I'd got to the point where people could easily put me down with their looks. I was so weak and broken. I 

Until one time in the last three months, a series of tests had brought me down to my knees. It knocked me out so harshly. I mean, all this time, I got my power from people. But that time, people tested me a lot. Disappointment is common, but backstabbing!? It's something else. I had it before, long time ago. It was when I was small. Some people accused me of "stealing". Now I had few people that not only did they disappoint me, but also disregarded my integrity and dignity and tried to humiliate me in public. And what did I do.. Patience. Patience.. Patience. I felt weak and helpless. I didn't stand for myself, but I never regret it.

Instead, I found help. 
I tried to find help..

I went to therapy.

It was a bumpy process. It was a journey worth-taking. It is one of the best decisions I made this year.  

However, I lost some people in the process. I had to. I had to.. After I realized how tiring I was around them. How unequal the relationships are. I have stopped meeting people. I became more quite. I avoided gathering with people. I.. I.. I was so tired of these all.. I am so fed up of this episode I have to get through.

Four days ago,  a death news spread all over school. A parent of my students passed away. It was rather shocking news. No one expected this., I mean death is always surprising, but this one hit different. For the last four days, I kept thinking.. 

How if I die..

Will they cry and regret that they never try hard enough to "listen" to me.
Will they cry and regret the wrongdoings and backbiting they did to me.
Will they cry and regret that they used me too much for their own sakes.
Will my mom be okay. My mom.. TT,

But the more I think about death, the more I realize that this all insignificant,,
These people are insignificant, these pains are insignificant, these struggles and hardships are insignificant, these betrayals and disappointments are insignificant.

In the face of death, what I will bring is my deen and my deen only. 
Oh Allah, if the time is close, I am not ready. I mean.. noone's ready.
But, I hope I have more time to make my Mom feel enough of me..