Your time is near

It was the first third of Ramadhan and I had so much turmoil already. My dearest cat, Taro passed away after being hospitalized 2 times, for more than two weeks. He couldn't make it any further. His time in this world has ended. Days after that, I got so many extra classes that made me get out of the house, so I didn't have to suffer realizing multiple times that Taro wasn't around anymore. 

A couple days after that, I had a nap and woke up from a weird vivid dream. I got one of my teeth pulled out. It instantly fell out of my gum out of nowhere. Legend has said that such a dream means your close one will be gone. That scared me for some time, but the feelings faded away.

Then...
I kept thinking about the unfinished matter I've had for so long time. Oh you.. If only you know how these feelings have been hanging. I can't go.. I just can't..
I need your help.

And.. these days, I've felt so empty and alone. Oh Allah, I need your help. And among all of these times, I felt like maybe my time is near. Maybe my time is near. But, every time I think about it, I wonder.. Oh Allah, am I not deserving to have what I want. 

This whole inside my chest. That feeling of nothingness had caused pains and I am numb.. I am numb.

ot make it  

Death

It's almost been for 4 years since I no longer use my personal IG. Due to a lack of confidence, the idea of "me equals failure" is so attached in my mind when I look through my posts on that IG. I even remember that I deleted a few posts that I think were "too high", it doesn't represent me at all. These "unworthy" feelings and "low self-esteem" have brought me to terrible emotional breakdowns a couple of times over the last four years.

All those achievements that I had, mean nothing. I'd got to the point where people could easily put me down with their looks. I was so weak and broken. I 

Until one time in the last three months, a series of tests had brought me down to my knees. It knocked me out so harshly. I mean, all this time, I got my power from people. But that time, people tested me a lot. Disappointment is common, but backstabbing!? It's something else. I had it before, long time ago. It was when I was small. Some people accused me of "stealing". Now I had few people that not only did they disappoint me, but also disregarded my integrity and dignity and tried to humiliate me in public. And what did I do.. Patience. Patience.. Patience. I felt weak and helpless. I didn't stand for myself, but I never regret it.

Instead, I found help. 
I tried to find help..

I went to therapy.

It was a bumpy process. It was a journey worth-taking. It is one of the best decisions I made this year.  

However, I lost some people in the process. I had to. I had to.. After I realized how tiring I was around them. How unequal the relationships are. I have stopped meeting people. I became more quite. I avoided gathering with people. I.. I.. I was so tired of these all.. I am so fed up of this episode I have to get through.

Four days ago,  a death news spread all over school. A parent of my students passed away. It was rather shocking news. No one expected this., I mean death is always surprising, but this one hit different. For the last four days, I kept thinking.. 

How if I die..

Will they cry and regret that they never try hard enough to "listen" to me.
Will they cry and regret the wrongdoings and backbiting they did to me.
Will they cry and regret that they used me too much for their own sakes.
Will my mom be okay. My mom.. TT,

But the more I think about death, the more I realize that this all insignificant,,
These people are insignificant, these pains are insignificant, these struggles and hardships are insignificant, these betrayals and disappointments are insignificant.

In the face of death, what I will bring is my deen and my deen only. 
Oh Allah, if the time is close, I am not ready. I mean.. noone's ready.
But, I hope I have more time to make my Mom feel enough of me.. 

I've found me again

I've just finished my second therapy tonight and I've never felt so good for such a long time. 

Out of all things I've decided doing for these last three years, going to therapy is my best decision so far.

The therapy was a big shook on my soul. It's like waking the "old me", the "best me" which have been paralyzed for a bit too long. And I can't thank you enough my dear therapist TT

It turns out that my grief of losing my father is one of the reasons. That broken dream in the beginning of 2020 is also the reason. It truly meant that way when I said "It feels like all my achievements in life have gone astray". It happened and I have to let go of my "confidence" and my "worth" asleep for some time.

Oh dear.. 
I cried tonight.. a bit much.. not too much. But this time, I cried out of gratefulness of welcoming an old friend. Everything else seems to be insignificant now. I feel like all this time, I don't put myself first risking my wellbeing at stake.

I have the control over myself again tonight! Allahu...
Alhamdulillah ya Rabb..

Mon.. Strong Mon, Cuek Mon.. You are worth! You are enough.

Once I've done the therapy, I went having ramen on my favorite ramen restaurant in the town, all by myself and I am okay. 

Mon.. welcome home, baby..
Let's have the ride of life again!

Ulee Kareng, 29 Agustus 2023

How "Full of Ourselves" we are

Humans is one of God's (if you believe one) unique creatures. We are blessed (again, if you believe that is such thing as  bless) with mind and IQ way higher than any other animals. 

We have body, soul, mental, and somehow, we all believe that we have hearts (don't we!?). I mean not the physiology one. It's the "feeling". Some of us believe that animals have it too. Through times, we are told that we are special creatures that walk with our two feet and touch and do stuff with our two hands. Unlike other primate, we call ourselves so advance that we create systems, we discover technology, and unfortunately, to the point where we can destroy everything we touch. 

The last seven weeks was like a roller coaster to me. I call it so alived (again) for so many times. But the highlight was at how I saw people's real colour with my very own eyes. 

I experienced what I call fall out of trust. I watched my dignity being destroyed before my very own eyes by the most trusted individuals (that I've just known for a short while). It felt so hurt that I didn't know if it's pure sadness or anger that played the big role in my reactions. You know it, when I call it reaction, it was always silence. Painful silence. 

Trust, dignity, integrity, lies, interest, carelessness, recklessness..

It all lead me to a new chapter where I met so many new friends (can I call them friends thou :p)

This group of people has helped me to detour from the "reality" for a short while every single day. I loved the moments, but I think it's too much now I'm just gonna call it an end for a while. 

You'd be surprised how much friendships I have made in this "online platform". It just painful reality that what we seek is actually acceptance and connection. Things that got disappear everyday in our daily life, in our real life actually.

I don't know...

Written on September 21. 

Memaafkan diri yang membenci

Hidup lebih dari 30 tahun, kini, hari ini yang kupelajari adalah; 

"Memelihara benci pada akhirnya akan membuatmu muak akan benci itu sendiri"

Menjadi manusia yang lahir dari manusia lain, hidup dengan manusia lain dan berinteraksi tumbuh berpapasan dan bersinggungan dengan orang lain, pada akhirnya entah bertumbuk dengan akhir baik atau dengan akhir buruk. Semuanya toh adalah pilihan hidup.

Bertumbuh dan bersosialisasi, kadang berujung sahabat,saudara, namun dengan menambah variabel waktu dan keadaan sulit, tak jarang berujung musuh dan menajdi orang yang kita benci. Sudah lumrah halnya dalam kehidupan berinteraksi dengan manusia, kita kadang menemukan ketidakcocokan.

Hari ini, setelah beberapa waktu bertemu lagi dengan orang yang dulu saya tidak senangi, akhirnya saya belajar menerima bahwa tidak semua orang menjadi jahat dengan sendirinya. Beberapa menjadi pahit karena keadaan dan karena tempaan hidup yang tidak menyenangkan. Setelah berjumpa beberapa jenis orang-orang yang keras dan pahit akan hidup, aku akhirnya tahu bahwa mereka pun sama saja seperti ku. Namun kadang keadaan dan cara manusia menanggapi aral dan sulitnya hidup akan merubahnya menjadi orang baru yang sulit dimengerti oleh orang lain.

Dari sebuah video yang baru saja kutonton kemarin, seorang ulama ternama di negeri ini yang tak jarang penuh kontroveri berujar bahwa cinta dan benci itulah seyogyanya sejalan. Benci adalah reaksi dari cinta kepada sisi satunya. Terlalu mencintai seseorang, tentunya akan membenci saat orang tersebut dihinakan. Kealpaan rasa marah saat itu terjadi justru jadi pertanyaan, apakah benar ada cinta di sana. 

Belakangan aku belajar bahwa benci tak melulu salah. Membenci toh sifat manusia. Namun, tetap saja benci adalah rasa yang berkembang jika si pemilik hati membiarkannya berkembang. 

Untuk itu, aku berazam dalam hati. Tak layak semua orang yang kujumpai untuk memperoleh perlakuan yang berdasar benci yang pada dasarnya sangat menghabiskan tenaga. Benci boleh, toh memaafkan jauh lebih mudah. dan kumemilih tuk melepas agar rasa ini tak membunuh hati.

Just a random "sad episode"

It's 5-7 minutes to 3 in the morning and I'm here sad and crying for no reasons. Well.. maybe it's my hormone, I don't know., or maybe it's the songs. And the screen.. the screen is me when I was young and happier (I don't know).

All this time, all the bless, it's not that I deny this all oh God,.. I'm just so lonely out of sudden. 

It's not that I'm being ungrateful. I'm just tired of hoping something I even have no guts to catch on. I'm tired of sending signs. It's been so long. And I feel like I'm over myself. It was just me who felt too much, assumed too far, liked so much that I lost my senses and logics. 

Now that I'm sure that I have to stay grounded and finally believe that this is the end of "hoping", I felt so bad and hurt and so not deserving. I am sooo broken by my own thought and selfishness. 

All the talks and words were just an act of politeness and kindness, and what was I thinking? I was such a fool! I was such a fool!

Now, I should leave this all behind. A friend once told me, "Oh come on.. you're too much. No one stupid enough like you wasting so much time on something so uncertain". I admitted then, I admit it now. I am so stupid. 

Thinking about how I might die someday, and leave no trace behind, no some beautiful stories, I'm crashed in pieces, Oh Allah... help me...
Getting older and older by day, and later when I am too weak.. Oh so sad.. so miserable..
Oh Allah, help me, I can't stop..

The small things in life

On my way to work that evening, I listened to Simon Sinek's talk on one of Spotify's podcast. It struck me that the very ideas of having a better life lie on 5 motivational rules in life.. 

Here are what he mentions in the podcast

1. Go after the things that you want
2. Sometimes, you are the problem
3. Take care of each other
4. Learn to speak last
5. Humility; the concept of every one of us actually only deserves a Styrofoam-cup for coffee

I do admit that it's pleasing and spirit-moving to listen. It is indeed motivational, but it's hard.
All the points above are actually skills to keep on practicing and they need a constant maintaining.

I just finished a short trip 2 days ago, and tonight somehow, I end up reminiscing old memories when trying to find old photos from the same place. And this relates to the point no.3 about how to take care of each other. It's about emphasizing with people close to you. 

I struck upon different groups of friends, come and go. And I find a heart-warming video of me laughing so hard while acting silly and my friends around me say nothing but laughed together. I remember how happy we were that day in the mushala. Ya Allah.. I miss these people, I'm crying. I miss my friends. I miss my supporters. They did the best for me in life I can't never thank them enough. 

I am crying looking back at all I had and experienced in life, MashaAllah. I have been blessed, but I don't think I have done what supposed to done as a pious muslim. 

Truly this writing is a mess..

I should just stop..