The small things in life

On my way to work that evening, I listened to Simon Sinek's talk on one of Spotify's podcast. It struck me that the very ideas of having a better life lie on 5 motivational rules in life.. 

Here are what he mentions in the podcast

1. Go after the things that you want
2. Sometimes, you are the problem
3. Take care of each other
4. Learn to speak last
5. Humility; the concept of every one of us actually only deserves a Styrofoam-cup for coffee

I do admit that it's pleasing and spirit-moving to listen. It is indeed motivational, but it's hard.
All the points above are actually skills to keep on practicing and they need a constant maintaining.

I just finished a short trip 2 days ago, and tonight somehow, I end up reminiscing old memories when trying to find old photos from the same place. And this relates to the point no.3 about how to take care of each other. It's about emphasizing with people close to you. 

I struck upon different groups of friends, come and go. And I find a heart-warming video of me laughing so hard while acting silly and my friends around me say nothing but laughed together. I remember how happy we were that day in the mushala. Ya Allah.. I miss these people, I'm crying. I miss my friends. I miss my supporters. They did the best for me in life I can't never thank them enough. 

I am crying looking back at all I had and experienced in life, MashaAllah. I have been blessed, but I don't think I have done what supposed to done as a pious muslim. 

Truly this writing is a mess..

I should just stop..

On the verge of freedom of information

I have just watched The Fifth Estate; a movie about how Wikileaks was started and mostly about how leaks_secrets are so powerful and at the same time so dangerous either it is to be kept or to be leaked. I am not going to talk about the political aspect about how the website works. Rather, I am talking about how "secrets" are better kept secrets.

And just last night, just like any other occasions, I was furious at my mom when she revealed my "secrets". She asked my niece about things I told Mom about her. She confirmed it, asked my niece about my opinion whether it was true or not. Though nothing was so outrageous happened about it, it's still nuisance to me. I recalled, she also did it the last time with my brother. I was upset of the things he said about me. I went to my mom crying, telling her, well.. mostly about how hurt I was because of that, but my mom decided it is more about "the words he said" rather than "the damage the words caused to me".

Secrets are "known about by only a few people; kept hidden from others" or used to describe actions and behaviour that you do not tell other people about"_both definition are from Oxford Learner's Dictionary.

Secrets are things we always try to keep either from ourselves or others. There are no good in secrets.
We all have that dirty little secrets about ourselves or painful secrets about people around us. But, do we really need to reveal them? I don't know. There are a part of this movie that I agree on; maybe, it is manufactured that way to control the like-minded people like me. I agree about how it ends. It's when Daniel screwed Julian at the end and cancelled the "leaks". I agree on the ideas that sometimes, big secrets bring more harm than good. I agree that sometimes, even when sacrifices need to be made for greater good, the damages can be too harsh for most of us.

In our daily life, sometimes we know someone close to us were so innocent about their husband "affair". Some kids know nothing about their mother/ father dirty secrets. We may know someone who are the children of government corrupt, but somehow we managed to pretend to know nothing about it. And let's called it secrets. Those are the secrets that we keep for a better purpose, to maintain good relationship, to keep someone "safe". Or.. is it wrong to do it that way.

I remember I know someone who saw a friend fiancé of hers went out with another woman just two weeks before he's getting married. She kept that secret dear to her heart until.. Until that friend marriage was broken in pieces and that friend of hers in the verge of hell in life. The secret was considered too late to be revealed? We never know. Say, she knew it earlier that she was about to marry unfaithful man, would she believe it? Would she consider it "a help" or "a threat"? Nobody knows.

Today, life's is unprecedented due to the fast exchange of information. Everyone gets to know everything they want in a single type of their fingers.. or their thumbs. Scandals, dirty political secrets, conspiracies, corruptions, are our daily feed for our little brain and weak hearts. They were there to be the limits for people to stay on their moral radar at all time. But.. do we have to mind these all when it brings more harm to our "trust" on goodness. Don't we have to have a little bit of skeptical attitude every now and then? I don't know.

Freedom of information is a thing nowadays. People feed on more facts about everything around the globe every single day than they were 20-30 years ago. And somehow, were most of us, are not ready about it. We grasp too early, conclude too fast, believe too innocently to everything served on our "plates of information" without even questioning, "Is it true? Is it really relevant? Is it really important?". We meet people whose background are economics, but talk about pandemics and viruses as if they were virologists. We encounter teachers who speak about politics as if they're willing to leave their underpaid-jobs to be the next politicians. We even see politicians who talk about morals as if they were saints.. as if they were sooo true.

I don't know.. I don't know what we should do really? What I know is that, it is wiser to keep track on what you can control rather than minding things beyond your control. It is more energy-saving for you and me to mind what we can mind rather than talking "too big" it may sound like bullshits.

On my search of good quote about the danger of secrets, I find the following quote relevant;

"We all have secrets we keep locked away from the rest of the world... Friendships we pretend... Relationships we hide... But worst of all... Love we never let show. The most dangerous secrets a person can bury are those we keep from ourselves."

and at the same time, the same person who said that also said this line;

"Truth is a battle of perceptions. People only see what they’re prepared to confront. It’s not what you look at that matters, but what you see. And when then different perceptions battle against one another, the truth has a way of getting lost. And the monsters find a way of getting out."

To you that I kept hurting, I am truly sorry

It runs perfectly fine this week, but this night somehow, I feel that something feels off. I don't know what it is, but it feels tight on my stomach like something just went wrong. It could be just my excessive sugar intake or maybe not enough caffeine today.

All the time when  I feel like this, I always had the ideas at the back of my head that maybe I did someone wrong. and all the mistakes I did to people. I did wrong to people, and no matter how much I said sorry, the bad feelings somehow flash in my mind and "sorry" would be understatement to say the least.

For the kind and sincere guy I met on 2008. I told about you to one of my colleagues today. How are you today? I remembered how kind you were cooking Udon for me. I still feel that I don't deserve your kindness you did for me on that embarrassing incident  on our road trip. It was so sweet and kind I don't think there's no other guys would do the same decency like you did. So many times, I 'd like to say the biggest sorry to you. I wasn't supposed to be that mean. I treated you so bad. I was so young and stupid and I had so much fear in my life that time. But still, I should not be that harsh to you.. Hey you, my kindest friend. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

For you one of so few who dared say the "impossible words" to me. You had no idea how I felt so great about myself that time. You made feel "enough". You made feel I deserved to be liked, to be looked upon. But I was so young and full of fear. I irritated your pride. My words didn't reflect my actions. I hurt you. Sorry would never be enough. I'm sorry that I was so full of myself that I didn't even bat an eye when I decided to hurt you. Sorry.

For all the stupid things I have done to you, I do believe that I have experienced the "karma".

And again I say, I am so sorry...

December 2, 2021

What on Earth!? (A repost of Facebook Notes posted on Dec 2010)

Ok....let say I was in wrong place, again! but I think nope.... I was about meeting unwanted "person"..

It was not that bad... really! but sometimes it's just like when you drink hot latte with cream! come on! with cream, a cup of hot latte! it's hot....I know how weird it be, but to be honest I have that experience. I know I run-off my topic..

sometimes when you wake up in the morning and find that day is going to be different or excited, more excited than the day you have before, you know... you feel like it's strange, and instead of excited you become so anxious. I should stay at home the whole day...but I didn't

okay...here's the problem. I admit it that maybe I could be the most sophisticated "human" you have ever met. I am the you "think" the most weird and the most fool or the most what we call "alien". Okay I am an alien. So what?

Even an alien doesn't need that blaming and judging and disgusting way of seeing!! I don't like it. Never like it. not From that one!!!

I used to be in wrong damn place! used to meet some damn wrong people! become a part of it and pretended that everything was just okay, while in fact I was not OK.

I am not OK... my days ruined.. my feeling messed up....my thoughts twisted... what happen to me?

The worst thing is that some people just threat me as a robot that I can handle every matter, that I can tackle every "bad word"... I just cant take it anymore...

I really need some rest. from everything... from everyone...I need to go somewhere sooooo far....for soooo long... I need to be alone for sometime....If I just could..

I get sick of everything and I need a balance coz I'm already old...

An Ant (A repost of Facebook Notes posted in 2010)

A repost with a little editing here and there


An ant is a little bug live in a very huge-dared-world. An ant, never lives so long, but always cares for others. Always thinks for how to live on. An ant never wants to conquer the world, even just a house full of food, but an ant just takes something enough for him, and for the rest of the family just for awhile. An ant never gets scared of taking what human have, cos what he takes just a tiny piece of it. An ant is just an ant. Sometimes gets misunderstood. Sometimes chased just for a-tiny-silly-mistake. An ant never bites if you just leave him alone. An ant never bites if you don’t kill his family. An ant never attacks you HUMAN! If you don’t attack his family first.

An ant live in a group. Always works for the group. Always takes a little. Be small and realizes it for sure. An ant knows how to adapt. An ant never blames human who step on him. Since he knows human sometimes never realizes it. An ant forgives. An ant gets mercy for it. An ant lives alone with his family. An ant never distracts your great world, he just want a bit of your cake. An ant can never disturb you in will...

An ant is a teacher for you... for me... for everyone who knows

27:18
“an ant said: ‘Go into your dwellings, ants, lest Solomon and his warriors should unwittingly crush you”

00.24 AM
Banda Aceh, December 18, 2010.

I called it so-Alived part 2 ( A repost notes from Facebook in 2010)

This is a repost written in 2010 posted on Facebook Notes with a little edit.


Just like usual, I woke up in the morning, found something to eat, or drink... got use to the morning, and took shower. It's still the best way to wake me up from day-dreaming-couldn’t-stop-me-dream-walking-Ergh. And just like usual, I could never take away my life from those kids! A little hug, some kisses, some jokes. Always took me to a bunch of smiles. I really really loved them with all tea in China (why it has to be in China!? Tasikmalaya is fully loaded with tea also).

Hm... I’d got lot of things to worry. It’s “T”...”T”....and “T”... go heck with “T”. I hate “T”... Oh no, I didn't mean it, I don’t hate it...hm, but, yup, I hate it, just,...a little. Talking about “T”. There’s gonna be a “T” party today. Everybody’s going to be hosts cause they did make great “Ts”, then they got “T” certification from “T” master. They would get “T”-shake; it’s when “T” master shake hands with “T”makers. Apparently, I hate this “T” party...maybe just for today... cause I cant be good “T” makers like them all. Now, I am just a “T” dump. But I’m pretty sure that my “T” is going to be a ticket for me to be one of thousands “T” makers in the party. I passed this party, so I’m just a guest STAR today, not the HOST. But in couple months.. I’m gonna be one!

Thinking about the “T” party...again...that I have to attend in couple more hours, I got numb and grumpy. It’s sunny today but it turns blue and dark in my view, so I pick my favorite Tee; a long-sleeve-black-tee and my brown khaki. I really need to visit my farm, fixing some stuff in my farm always make me feel better. There I be in my farm for less than two hours, finishing my orchard, but I still need a lot of nails and woods. and i should go home and I’m really starving now. Mom asks me to prepare the broccoli myself if I want it for lunch. Ha ha, there’s no oyster sauce in the kitchen. So what!? I still have salt, and I think a pinch of sugar can give a De-li-ci-ous broccoli ever! I love broccoli. And guess what, we got Tofu but it’s not prepared yet. I love Tofu also_means that I have to eat that_means that I HAVE TO cook it for sure! I’m starving already, my tummy gurgling. Whush..... with my magic wand_in this case_my beautiful lovely pair of my hands...Thada....here’s the lunch, hot white rice, broccoli and peas, tofu and shrimp (I’ll never forget this one, and got so happy cause it’s my free time to eat shrimp cause no more allergy, at least for this year)...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I’m eating, can’t you see!? .................................................................................................................................................................. Slurp...

It’s noon already. Get prepare, and take my best pal to the party, definitely, she’s just like me. We’re not the hosts for this time. But we’re Okay. Bru brum....my bike is just wonderful! My bike....it’s my dad’s bike. My own bike has gone... he left me.. my red Volcom...my 6201 AM, my best partner, I hope you’re Okay now. Hiks...

We are in the party and ... I don’t know what happened. It was Gloria Estevan singing “Survive” for me just now but then, the song stops and Dale Daniel comes and cries singing “You gave her your name” for the moment. Whaaa..... I get lost in the crowd....it dramatically changes like I am a frog who been thrown away in North pole with Penguins!!! (is there any penguin in the north pole? Say yes if you insane!). and I just don’t know...I can’t stand anymore....I got dizzy and tears are flooding my eyes but I don’t wanna cry. I must not to! I may not ruin their day with my stupid tears! They deserve joy for this day and my tears just seems to be so fool!

Thanks for the help, my best pal ever comes and help me n the crowd unless I will fall down. I hold her tight, I don’t want to be LOST anymore. Meet some Host, say some congrats words, join another party. Full of laughs at last.

I think the day is just end, but I was wrong. Another journey start and takes me to a beautiful new mom with a cute baby boy,,,uh....I love them ...and suddenly Quincy Coleman sings “Baby don't you cry” for me... I wont Coleman. I wont cry! You just don't know how happy a mother is to have a baby! I don’t know, cause I don't have one, this time. But I’m so happy seeing her and the baby. We used to have great talks and times before, but time goes on, some things change rapidly. Some comes, some gone. Some remain, some don't.

Gotta leave again....and now I’m gonna hit the road...to meet my bestest pals to have some fun together. It’s beautiful day! Isn’t it!? We got all fun together from the riverside park to mesjid. From mesjid to “Durian hunting” with lots of lots of Funniest jokes ever. Then it’s not stop yet! We then leading to a lots-of-things-to-sell store. I find some good movies, see some fancy dolls and stuff. Meet a very funny doll for Amna, I bet she falls so in love to the doll, it’s so cute.... and guess what!? The married one needs some bread for breakfast. Oh come on....it’s 9 pm Tin! The bakery is not closed that early. We have to move fast and stop at the bakery and get some breads. I got a Chocolate Lava; A chocolate bread with melting chocolate inside. Addicted. So don't eat it if you don't want to miss it! Hahahahah....whatever...then we take everyone to their houses. And I’m the one left. Is this a sign!? For every journey, for every group I am in, for every moment, I always be the last. But that’s OK. It’s dark...it’s a long day with lots of things to say and feel. Beyond it all, I can easily smile before sleep now. Life moves on. I move on. It’s not about “T” party or “T” certification only. It’s about how you face the truth that sometimes it’s hard to smile when people think you are fail. And day by day they think that you become a moron (I really hate this word) and all you got is just five magic words....FAITH, don’t loss it unless you got no happiness, Trust me!

November 28 2010, 2.30 in the morning

Knowing yourself better to know your God better; The Art of Gratefulness

There was once a drowning man. A boat came by and tried to save him, but he said "no thank you, God will save me." Another boat tried to save him but he said "no thank you, God will save me" and he drowned. When he got to heaven he said "why didn't you save me God?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you big dummy!"

(The lines in The Pursuit of Happiness as told by Chris Gardner's son)

It's been my fourth month working "a new job". Well, it's technically an old place I used to work at, with a different tone, distinctive color, and various spices I may call. It wasn't easy at first, of course. I had so many doubts over myself, I doubted my guts to made a huge decision to be in that place again. But now I think about it again, I guess, it was always Allah in the first place. There are so many nights in the last four months I felt so tired and exhausting, but there are also so many nights where I went to sleep smiling. I've never been this relieved and it all came from the fact that now, it all came from the idea of to be grateful is as beautiful as art. Dang, I miss all this warm soothing feeling being around pure souls and energetic vibes. 

I know that there's no perfect things in life, not in this world. As believers and people of God, I do believe that the hereafter is the perfect one. However, I've felt enough and "enough" is always a strong word. 

"Enough" is the keyword in this difficult exam called life. "Enough" is the fuel in this long bumpy ride called life. "Enough" is always the cure for our tired heart in this unprecedented life. Enough is.. the perspective we use to be in peace with our condition.

We all would always think that our issues are so big that nobody would ever understand our pain, ignoring our needs to get help from the first place. We see people reach out their hands to save us, but sometimes we're so full of ourselves avoiding our basic need of being humans, to need help, to be help, and to help. We tend to misinterpret "enough" as the way it should be.

If only we're humble "enough", light is always there in the end of the tunnel. And most of the time, the light comes from the torch someone's holding. Can't we try a little harder to admit that "that someone" could be the baristas we met on the coffee shop this morning. That "one someone" could be the Office Boy we passed through this afternoon. "That someone" could be that one colleague we always tried to avoid. That "one someone" could be the annoying sibling we've always had. That "one someone" could be our best friend who was always there by our side. But again, we're so full of "me", "I", and "myself" that around us, "he", "she", or "they" are always present.

Avoiding all the helps, the kind intentions, thinking that it is what "enough" is really meant. Thinking "Oh.. Me and my God are enough". Pushing ourselves way too far from people when it could be the people who are actually God's helps over us. 

To live is a long run. It is a hard one. And we were told from the very beginning that "If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more." As if the line was never there, we're so proud and bragging that it's only us, only us alone who are deserving of Allah's countless grace and again, we ignored people helps.

If life is the canvas, then gratefulness is the correct stroke we use to turn our plain art to be something beautiful.

23:44 PM
Ulee Kareng, November 23, 2021