I call it So Alived (Repost from my FB Account)

 Malam ini…

Ada pertempuran di televisi; amerika dan Irak…tentang kepenatan dan kegilaan prajurit Amerika di kamp mereka. Sesekali suara deru listrik yang aku tidak tahu dari mana asalnya terdengar. Lampu kamar ini menyala sangat terang, sementara dua teman sudah sedari tadi bermimpi. Di TV perang benar2 dimulai, tokoh utamanya digambarkan sebagai seorang pemuda biasa yang walaupun punya sisi liar, tapi masih enggan membunuh dan masih berperasaan. Stress tegangan tinggi karena mereka harus melewati sumur-sumur minyak yang telah dibakar.

Above these all… I’m thinking of USA, Iraq, War, Oil, worth, Country, Islam, Win and loss… what do people think!? I know that at same place in other world maybe, there is a little girl playing with her doll while her mom is going to work. Someday when she grows up, by time, she knows what people believe. What people believe…. That’s world girl, … face it. God just needed 7 days to create everything. But everything can be lost in a word. WAR.

Bukan itu intinya,.. hidup dan dunia. I prefer to the first word. Maybe I’m not good in this term, but I’m going to try to guess what life wants from me?

This week I felt so alived. I woke up every single morning, had breakfast or brunch. Socialize with family and friends, got some conflicts from each…. Hibernated to calm the fire that already burnt in my mind. I know myself. And I know how to deal with my angriest . I know exactly what to do. That’s why I need some times to be alone. Being alone doesn’t mean lonely. I’m not lonely. Then when I thought enough was enough, I got up, standing still. I had some laughs again, some smiles, strange smiles some. Haha…

Now, the war ends up in the movie, but not in some part of this world. It’s still going on. On TV, Oprah, who I like the most, is leading conversations with some moms of the country. I hate to know that she plans to quit the show in 2011. Why it has to be in 2011 is still a big question from me. I don’t want to make speculations about it. She said that she needed some rest. I love her anyway. She has a great life to live on. She intends to quit the show, but I know her life will keep moving on. What about yours?

Life….
We find that there are always new births every day, every single day, death as well. We watch some criminals can live freely near us, while good people cry for having no food to eat. We feel a various feelings, go through our hearts and surprisingly we figure out that it changes then. Today we may hate someone we loved yesterday or vice versa. Our dreams change rapidly and sometimes some people cant explain about it.However we should thank God that we have still time; year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even seconds. We change every breath we take. We don’t stop growing because we are too old. No, because we learn a new think every single day. Sometimes, we just to blind to see… but the Truth is just here, near us, in our heart….

03:27 am, March 27, 2010…

Terlalu sulitkah untuk menunggu!? (Repost from my FB Account)

Terlalu sulitkah untuk menunggu!?

Waktu sekarang berjalan terlalu pelan… setiap mata terpejam, kadang sering berharap, agar malam jadi lebih lama… Saat pagi-pagi yang menyesakkan itu datang, kadang hati bingung dan bertanya “mau dikemanakan langkahku hari ini!?”, “kenapa slalu berkutat pada hal yang sama setiap harinya..!?”
Tak boleh bosan terhadap hidup sendiri… siapapun tahu itu, tapi semudah itukah!?

Banyak pelajaran yang mampu dipetik setiap detiknya, siapapun tahu itu, tapi sempatkah tersadar, sempatkah pelajaran-pelajaran berharga itu hinggap di hati…

Pelajaran kali ini, benar-benar tertinggal di hatiku...Bahwa kadang, ada orang-orang tak akan sanggup menunggu terlalu lama….Sesulit apapun menerima, orang-orang seperti ini ada di sekeliling kita. Mereka, dengan sejuta alasan merasa bahwa hanya merekalah yang diburu waktu, sedang kita… kita tak punya apapun yang bisa dilakukan dengan waktu.

Sesulit itukah menunggu….

Aku tak tahu apa itu cinta… yang aku tahu, ada harapan disana… Salahkah kalau berharap mereka mau menunggu sedikit lebih lama, salahkah kalau mereka meluangkan sedikit lagi waktunya untuk kita!? Semudah itukah mereka pergi, lupa….

Sekecil itukah harapan mereka!? Teman, aku tak tahu apa itu menunggu terlalu lama, tapi aku tahu apa itu berharap… dan sampai saat ini pun aku terus berharap, dan tak pernah aku berhenti tuk berharap... harapan yang senantiasa membuatku mampu bertahan pada satu saja, tak perduli walau itu tak mungkin, karena aku percaya masa depan adalah kejutan..

Tak bisakah sedikit bersabar!? Menunggu sedikit lebih lama…. Bukankah mereka saling mencinta!? Kenapa cinta mereka pupus oleh waktu!? Aku tak terlibat teman, tapi aku benci mendengarnya, aku sakit mendengarnya… begitu gampangkah seseorang pergi… meninggalkan luka yang dalam bagi mereka yang ditinggalkan, kenapa waktu selalu mengalahkan cinta mereka…

Waktu,

Seorang teman pernah bertanya padaku jika aku diberi kesempatan untuk memasuki lorong waktu, kemanakah aku akan pergi… aku tidak bisa menjawab, karena setiap kejadian yang pernah kusesali, toh sekarang benar-benar jadi pelajaran untukku..

Tapi sekarang kalau aku boleh kembali, kumohon, sekali saja, …. Biarkan aku mendorong motornya lebih jauh lagi, kumohon jalan itu lebih panjang dari yang pernah ada, karena itu akan jadi kenangan terindah bagiku. Karena peluhpun tak kupedulikan lagi saat itu, karena senyumnya selalu menghangatkan hatiku yang terus berharap. Karena hanya ia yang tahu harapanku akan cinta itu. Jika aku boleh kembali ke waktu itu, biar kan kami berjalan disana lebih lama lagi, berbagi cerita sekali lagi… karena sekarang aku sangat merindukan senyumnya, merindukan pelukannya, merindukan setiap petanyaannya? Merindukan tatapannya…

Teman tahukah kamu, tak pernah kusesali setiap kejadian yang terjadi denganmu. Saat diary itu kubuka, namamu ada di hampir tiap lembarnya. Bukan aku tak menghargai permata yang kumiliki sekarang. Permata-permata itu indah. Aku punya banyak sekarang, walaupun ada beberapa yang kini tlah pergi, namun teman, permata-permata itu pergi dengan cara yang aku tak pernah pikirkan. Teman, tahukah kau, saat langit malam kupandangi, dan disana aku melihatmu, tapi tak pernah kusanggup tersenyum lagi. Bintangku, teman terindah dalam hidupku. Kau ajarkan aku tuk menunggu, selama apapun itu. Dan aku akan selalu tahu itu. Tapi tak pernah aku sanggup melihat mereka pergi dengan begitu mudahnya.

Teman, waktukah yang memisahkan kita? Sakitkah yang menyatukan kita. Saat aku menangis sesegukan seorang diri selalu kuingat saat kita harus membolos dari kelas untuk menangis berjam-jam di mushala itu. Teman,… andai malam itu aku tidak pulang, aku mungkin bisa memelukmu lagi. Permata paling indah dalam hatiku. Bahkan di mimpikupun kau hanya datang sekali….
Teman… maaf karena ternyata sampai sekarang pun, waktu tak menyembuhkanku….. teman, apakah kau nyaman disana!? Bisakah kuwujudkan mimpi-mimpi itu… akankah alfa-alfa itu hadir dalam hidupku wahai bintang…

February 14, 2010… (For the brightest star… I hope you read this )

Kecil itu indah (Repost from Facebook)

Seorang ibu mengatakan bahwa masa kecilnya tak seindah anaknya yg bisa belajar segalanya dengan mudah. Ada banyak buku untuk anak-anak yang bagus. Ada tempat-tempat bimbingan belajar mulai dari yang paling murah sampai yang paling mahal dengan berbagai fasilitas yang memadai. Ada pilihan untuk datang atau didatangi untuk “belajar”… dengan senyum aku membenarkan. Namun hatiku tidak membenarkan semua yang beliau katakan….

Bagiku menjadi anak kecil haruslah benar-benar menjadi anak kecil. Bukannya buru-buru menjadi dewasa, karena percaya atau tidak, menjadi dewasa lebih banyak tidak enaknya. Menjadi anak kecil kau tidak perlu khawatir untuk bermain dengan debu dan becek. Tidak perlu enggan tuk lari dalam guyuran hujan, walaupun ibu berteriak padamu dari kejauhan agar kau berhenti dan segera pulang. Anak kecil haruslah dan memang semestinya mendengar omelan ibunya sebagai pelengkap suara hujan, yang selanjutnya anak kecil menanggapinya dengan tawa dan terus berlari, bermain dengan titik air yang jatuh dari langit. Anak kecil berarti, tak perlu begitu banyak tuntutan, belajar dengan cara sendiri tanpa harus dipaksa. Anak kecil bagiku adalah manusia paling bebas dan bahagia. Karena menjadi anak kecil, bahagia tak membutuhkan banyak hal. Kau hanya membutuhkan sebutir permen atau sepotong kue atau sebuah hadiah sederhana yang kau berikan dengan senyuman. Dan mereka hanya perlu yakin bahwa ibu dan ayahnya baik-baik saja dan akan selalu di dekatnya.

Anak kecil adalah manusia yang seharusnya tidak hidup dengan begitu banyak tuntutan, anak kecil adalah manusia yang belajar cukup dengan melihat dan mendengar. Sekali kau mengucapkan kata, maka kata itu akan ada bersamanya sepanjang hidupnya. Sekali ia melihat apa yang kau perbuat, ia akan melakukan hal yang sama sampai ia mengerti bahkan setelah ia melakukannya.

Tak butuh waktu lama jika kau ingin membuat mereka menangis. Walau terkadang kau harus berpikir keras jika ingin mendiamkannya. Tapi tahukah kita, bahwa anak kecil jauh lebih peka dari manusia paling hebat sekalipun. Anak kecil bisa melihat caramu melihatnya, mengartikannya sebagai pertanda kau suka atau tidak. Anak kecil bisa membaca matamu, ketulusanmu akan kasih sayang yang kau berikan pada mereka. Anak kecil mampu melihat jauh kedalam hatimu, bahkan saat kau tak sadari sekalipun. Mereka membaca tanda dimatamu walau mereka tak sanggup menjelaskannya.

Orang Aceh mengistilahkan anak kecil sebagai “malaikat”. Aku percaya itu. Jelas mereka malaikat, karena dengan melihat tawanyapun luruhlah beban pikiranmu. Mereka malaikat karena dengan memeluknya, maka segala lelah pun menguap. Malaikat yang mampu membuatmu tertawa dalam tangis. Usapan tangan mungilnya membuatmu tegar menghadapi semua. Anak kecil itu adalah penghilang duka, jika kau mau percaya.

February 8, 2010 (11.40 pm)
(Dedicated for all “anak alot”…esp, the tenth)

Orchard House (1)

Do you remember that calm morning you woke up of the birds chirping just from out your back yard. You heard that clanks and almost-like-whisper talks from the kitchen just down the hall. You heard the sweet laughs. You got up, and followed the sounds. You smelled it, the special smell of coffee that you didn't love that time, but somehow you knew, one day you fall hard for. You're there, with the most unexpected group of people you never thought you'd be with before. 

And that's my friend, how your story of Orchard House starts...

Kunanti

Hembus angin di musim berbeda telah kurasai di kulitku. Waktu yang terus berputar, kadang pelan kadang terasa begitu cepat, buatku berharap lebih, dulunya..

Kini.. kutelah lelah berharap. Ku kan tetap menunggu namun harapanku sirna sudah. Dunia ini indah, sangat indah, namun kadang satu sisi dalam diri mengeluh panjang merasa ada yang tak sempurna. Ku telah lama diperdaya mimpi, kutelah lama percaya bahwa sepi ini tak mengapa. Kuterperdaya kemampuanku menghadapi dunia seorang diri. Kutertipu diriku yang terus menerus berkata, tak mengapa begini.. Toh dunia ini begitu indah dan terus berputar..

Namun kini, musim berganti, daun bertukar.. Teman datang dan pergi.. Namun aku merasa masih disini. Sendiri

20/ 05/ 2018

Fireworks through the windows

I walked down the street once I got out of the bus. A little smile and wave goodbye to the bus driver.. "Byee...", she replied me with "Have a good day". "You too..", I said with the widest smile I can give. Life is smooth and slow pacing these days. There are two ways to get to the house; the stairs and the path that is supposed for car. I chosed the second one to check the mail box. Nothing I expected, but there's a short paper saying there would be firework this Saturday night. All residents who have pets nearby was warned to be prepared. That just puts another smile to my face. Fireworks.

I am just chilling at home this Saturday. I wake up in the morning, quite early, but I stayed there on my bed till 11. Eleven!? But who cares? I just want a nice day for myself today.

I just stayed at home. Eating.. chilling.. Owh.. like I have no assignment at all (er) 

(and it never finished)

12/09/2015

One fine afternoon on the Boundary Street

It was just my new casual Saturday. I had lived in this city of Brisbane for two months at that time. I just felt settled with the life there, the academic, social,  work life, and everything in between.

The third week I was there, I was recruited to teach Indonesian children to read Quran in a community mosque in West End. After the class, it was around 13.00, my friend and I decided to have a visit to weekly farmer's market. Then, we took a walk to reach the site. It was just another busy Saturday noon in West End when suddenly a door of a hotel opened just right before us. A middle-age guy went out of the building, lighted his lighter on, and put it right in front of me. I could feel the fire at that time. As the shock was not enough, he slurred while smiling "I feel like burning your f***ing scarf!". I was stunned, frozen on the place where I stood. I looked around for help forgetting that I had my friend by my side. There was another guy leaning on the wall near by. I looked into his eyes, not saying anything. I was about to say something when he said, "Oh yeah.. terrorist!". I felt weak right at the moment, but my instinct said "Go.. run! you should save yourself!". Still I forgot I had my friend by my side. I remember I tried to smile when that first man threatened me. But I could not help it when the second guy added the offensive words.  Right on the traffic light, I stood there and went numb. There was a young teenager who was there right after me, looking at me. I didn't know if he saw it or not, but he smiled at me, and he pushed the crossing button for me. My friend was there now, I ca't clearly remember. She was there with me and asked whether I was okay. I wasn't. We crossed the road and kept walking, pretending that nothing happened.

We stopped by the Coles, had some shopping, hoping that I would forget what just happened. I kept silence. We finished the shopping and when back home, and that silence broke. I started crying now in the bus. I couldn't stop. I cried so hard, I believed some old ladies offered to help, but my friend handled it gracefully, she is indeed a graceful lady, my precious friend. We took ferry to cross the river, and the walk home that day felt so much longer than usual. Just when I arrived home, I cried on and off. There were times when I screamed my heart out on to the pillow. The only think I thought was, no way, I would run home to Indonesia. I would never stay any longer here. I was not accepted here.

That night, the news spread among the Indonesian community, and somehow reached one of the police officers who suggested me and my friend to file a report about this incident the next day. I was so terrified. What? Police? No way. But everyone somehow convinced us to report. Then the next morning, we did it.

Days passed, and I still felt traumatized. One day, two police officers arrived in our unit. One of them was a woman with hijab too. It gave me a lot of comfort, to be honest. I still remember, I kept the music on a bit loud, not too loud thou, just to distract myself from all the terrifying feeling of being rejected. But I must admit, the police department worked really well that they kept checking on me.

Four weeks after that incident, I got a call from the police department. A woman on the other side of the line sound so in rage but relieved at the same time. She said that they finally succeed in tracing the CCTV footage and they were trying hard to seize the guy. Three days after that, the guy was captured, and I got another call. That was the last call, and I refused to attend the trial. I don't know what it's called, but I told them they could handle the case now. I was a coward for being scared to attend the court and I was afraid to see him again. I was thinking, "I will stay here for 20 more months. No way I had that courage to show my face to him!". I thought the police was not happy about it, but that was my decision.

I remember that I kept the story for myself and not telling anyone home but my cousin. She couldn't keep the secret herself. My mother called me after the incident. We cried. I remember feeling so bad and disrespected. It's not new feeling, but in Australia, I had no family. I mean I had a lot of supporting friends, but that's different. The trial done and the news was spread among Indonesian community in Brisbane. Here are some of them.

Man who threatened to burn hijab
https://au.news.yahoo.com/man-fined-for-muslim-headscarf-fire-threat-25357900.html

A couple months after it, I checked my spam inbox on Facebook, and saw that someone from local TV tried to reach me. Hehehe.. Sorry mam, I just didn't know you texted.

This incident has clearly taught me a lot. It seems like I was trained on how to treat minority in your community, how to really carefully watch your words and actions. To this day, I am still learning it. Tolerance is not the word I want to use really. Compassion seems too much. Respect is what I think appropriate. I should learn how to respect others for whoever and whatever they are. And more importantly I should learn how to forgive. I was damaged because of that, but I should forgive to let go and feel peace.

And a couple of months ago before deactivating my Facebook account, I found his account. I finally learned that he was an artist too. He paints. Isn't weird how the world works? And I couldn't stop thinking about what happened to Voldemort and Harry Potter. Voldermort didn't realize it when he attacked Harry, some of his power was transferred due to the attack. I was somehow, starting painting in 2017. Hey Mr. Dominic! I paint too now!! Hahahahah