I've been dating and about to break up

For more than two years, I've been dating him. No one knows. No one seems to notice. As most of relationship ever built, I love him. So much, that I can stop smiling when it comes about him. I like every part of him. I know how it's hard sometimes for me to meet him. Yeah...in fact, we're meeting every night before I go to sleep, when I wake up. And he just knows how to boost my mood. Hopes that he gives are just so great for me to ignore. There's not even a day I stop thinking about him. he is my inspiration. The fuel for my hard days in the weeks. He is every reason I stay up late every night.

There were times when he was ready to live with me the whole life ahead. I trusted him, I believed the words. And to make it worse, he said it so many times and failed to prove it, but I still believe him. With all of my love. I love him with every breath that makes me alive.

Now... I'm just too tired to wait for those words to be come true. Now.. and the end of this year, I know that we will break up. Though it's not him that wants this all, I am the one who got too scared to live without him.

Today, he can't make it true again...like most of the times we spend together, he came to me with joy but then he slapped me on the face with the fact, still when I put a smile on my face. How pathetic.

These two years past, I find my life so exciting to live on, with him on my side. And now, when I decide to leave him soon.. I wonder where life will turn me to.

He is still there, that is the fact. I'm the one who is leaving away. Running from him, and I know no matter how far I run away from him, he will always be there waiting for me to come back in his arms.

He is my love. And his name is Dream. Dream of getting higher education.

Today I got a very tough words from a friend. He said, maybe it's not you that is wrong, maybe it's just not your time, or maybe it's not your path, it is just not your way to walk through. Yeah...maybe I have to come to realize that sometimes to let go just ease your way. And I know it, that it is my fault to expect too much. That it is my fault, to let my dream manipulating my entire life. I can't control it. I grab it to tight that it always slips away of my hand. And maybe, I just have to release it free.. let my dream be free...

I've been dating... with my dream, but now...we're about to break up.

Ulee Kareng, August 1, 2013Song for Mia

Marah itu Api

Malam...bulan penuh lagi, dan aku...
Dalam keadaan sesal yang teramat sesal. Mengutuki diri sendiri karena tidak pernah berhasil mengendalikan api dalam hati.
Selalu saja... Atau mungkin "kemarahan" ku di ujung sudah...

Berbulan-bulan..bertahun-tahun.... Kadang saat hal yang tidak benar kita saksikan dan tak kita pedulikan, bukan berarti hal itu lewat begitu saja. Sadar tidak sadar, ada benih disna, tertanam subur dengan "salah-salah" yang terus bertambah tambah. Dan pada waktunya, hanya perlu sepercik api untuk dilemparkan pada kubangan bensin yang siap menyalap, saat itu juga.

Marah itu... wahai bulan, Seperti paku yang menancap ke kayu. Saat dipaksakan melobangi kayu, akan ada kepuasan, namun tak selamanya paku bertahan. Sehingga pada saatnya saat maaf memaksa paku untuk keluar, ada bekas disana. Dalam... Tak ada yang bisa kauperbuat wahai bulan. Sesal pun tak berguna.

BUlan yang penuh lagi malam ini....
Mungkin kau tak penuh benar...
Tapi malam kemarin marahku melewati kata "penuh" untuk kemudian membuncah.
MArah... seperti api... menghancurkan apapun yang disentuhnya. DAn Aku, menghancurkan hati-hati yang seharusnya tak boleh kusakiti. Menodai tali-temali yang tak boleh kunodai. Marahku, menyembur seperti kawah gunung merapi. Menghancurkan "rasa iba"... Melumat "rasa Bangga", untuk kemudian menghapus "sayang" hingga yang tersisa hanya benci...

Benci yang berujung pada "tega"... Ke"tegaan" untuk menyakiti dan menghancurkan..
Ketegaan yang meluputkan rasa "melindungi". Membunuh "penghargaan" atas nama manusia. Benci yang mematikan ...
Berujung dendam..........

Marahku wahai bulan, selalu berujung dendam...
Marahku wahai bulan... adalah ketakutan terbesar dalam hidupku. Tak kutahu kapan hilang. Tak kutahu kapan datang. Marahku wahai bulan, sampai di titik yang menghancurkan.... aku, hatiku, harapanku, hati-hati pengasih yang ada didekatku...

Marahku wahai bulan... Bawa pergi saja kalau kau bisa,
Karena marahku, wahai bulan, Membunuhku pelan....

Ulee Kareng, Nov 9 2011