What it means to be a listener..

Growing up in a huge family and as the youngest has led me to a walking written journals. I was trained to remember every detail, every story, every thing involved in the chaos life of my big family. 

Being poor is a thing, but to see people poorer than us and have empathy at the same time!? Well, not everybody is equipped with that. I have seen how some people fortunate enough to change the circumstances of their lives, changing from the poor to the rich, but lost in the way by loosing empathy and care. Me, on the other side, I am lucky, at least that's what I believe, to have parents who always believe that they have more than enough. 

I can clearly recall how the relatives from my hometown stuffed in our small-already-full rent house once they arrive in the town in the pursuit of better life. I remember how my mom being so busy preparing great lunch and dinner on every occasion when they were people from our hometown arrive in our place. I always felt amazed how my parents were always there listening to every story, every complain, every excitement their relatives shared without getting fully affected. Their level of sympathy and empathy are just enough, to make their talkers feel safe, and to become stronger every time all the story stops. 

Just a couple days ago, I had one of my colleagues told me that "You know what? You're always like an empty bucket every time people tell them their story. Stop doing it! Don't get too indulge in the situation like that or you will end up so tired and fed up. It will ruin you and your life". I was stunned. I wasn't fully surprised. I mean, all this time I know that but I never know that people see it. It's like you were blind and walking by the edge of the cliff, and someone try to grab your hand and tell you, "Hey.. you're in danger, walk further off the cliff!". It fells like I was being saved. How powerful those words could be. 

And now, I do aware of how my friends, close or not close always reached me every time they have like the worst stories to share. They pour "their hurting stories" in "my empty bucket" and voila.. My empathy was always too much, I got drowned some times. I remember, one time, I needed to keep a "dangerous story" my self for weeks, and it ruined my days. I was devastated, I was frowned, cried all nights, to the point where I loose some weights. I was a terrible "feeler". I feel too much and it's energy-wrenched. 

I heard, or I listened way too much today, it starts affecting or sucking my energy! I am so doomed! I was so tired I could have a 4-hour nap! No lunch, and I was okay!

No way! I should be more self-aware and start to learn to say No..

MOn.. this is too much! look after yourself.

When I met Grace on Easter Day

It was still an Easter holiday in a bright Fall season, 2016.
I didn't know what I was thinking. That morning, after finding out that my banana plantation was getting crushed by the either the bush turkey or the possum, I googled the closest beach from my place. and I got it. The picture of the pier extended to the dark orange and blue sky. It caught my eyes, and that decision became one of the best decisions I have made in my life. 

Train selfie hey

I got ready, check the train track to reach it. I had nothing in mind, but getting there pretty soon. What was I thinking. The journey was long enough to contemplate. It was rough day for me. The uni works were sucks! Assignments after assignments and I have this huge dissertation I had to finish in two months ahead. 

There were not so many people in the train. It was Sunday, and just before I knew it. I was there at the station. Only few people left. It was  quite a late morning there. I started to look around and checked my Gmap. What else could I rely on. I crossed the park. I didn't pass anyone on the park. It was peacefully quite. Maybe people decided to have a good longer sleep on that Sunday morning. The road got a bit steeper then. And when I felt like it was the highest point of the street, I saw it. I saw the beach and right there.. and there was the pier I saw in the pic I just googled that morning. 

I decided to buy fish and chips at the closest store, it's almost lunch time. Down I went to the beach.

Contrary to what I saw on the street. It was quite lively in there. It was not so crowded, but it seemed like some family were enjoying their holiday there. And I could see some people fishing by the pier. 

I sat by the beach to have my lunch. My eyes were right at the horizon, and surprisingly, I smiled.. I smiled and I realized that my problems were not significant. I was there all alone with my thoughts, my regrets, my realization, my self, when...

A little girl with long wavy  auburn hair walked close to me. He then run to her family and came back every once in a while. I smiled at her. She smiled back. Just when I thought I wanted to say hi, she said "Hello.." to me first, I replied "hi.." and tried to look over her family signing that if it is okay to talk to her. A beautiful lady who seemed to be the girl's mother smiled and nodded to me. A sincere smile she had. 

Then I got the courage to ask for her name. "Grace" said her.  I was there stunning at how amazing world works around us. How random great things happened around us without us knowing anything. She was so adorable and kind. She was the one that approach me first. She was in long-sleeve swimming suit, a great colour that turned her hair even more standing out. "You have beautiful hair", I said. "Thank you" answered her politely. This girl was an angel, God must send her to me to cheer me up, were all that I thought. But then, I wasn't ready for her next question. "What about your hair? Why do you cover it?". I was quite for a while, thinking. "It's what I want, I want to do it". Then we talked and talked. Until her mom came, and it seemed like they're ready to leave. I told her everything I discussed with her daughter. And what she told me was even more comforting. After everything I have faced in that place. Grace... showed me that miracle did happen sometimes. 

Who would have imagined that a 30-year old sad foreign woman found a company of a 5-year old girl
by the Shorncliffe Beach that Easter Holiday. Who would have thought that it's the girl who first kept approaching me to talk. I was a complete stranger. But every time I recall to this memory, I am always sure that sometimes when you thought that everything was impossible, it is when the universe comes in handy. It's just likes everything in this world conspired to make you stand again. I was so completely relieved that time. 

I saw those family leaving and to the pier I went. I took a long satisfying breath, the smell of the sea is always my favorite. I was saved that day by a young beautiful girl named Grace. I cherish this memory and somehow I love it too much that I keep drawing Grace character in my painting. Thank you Grace.. Thank you so much...

Banda Aceh, September 4, 2021

What it means to raise, slip, and fall to the ground..

How long do you need to live to finally learn that life is not as simple as the story your parents read for you before you sleep. How far do you need to go to finally see that "the world" you live in is a tiny fracture in a big "One world" full of differences. How deep do you need to dig to find out that life is not always about black and white. How.. 

As someone who is in her thirties, I've learned it the hard way. So much time, effort, and finance were sacrificed during the fight. So many people were hurt and pushed aside to make one's dream true. 
One time, my close friend told me that isn't it impossible to make everyone's dream come true. There must be someone's dream which is needed to be put on hold or not made true at all. As believers, most of us who believe in the power of prayers have a firm believe that everything is possible. 

A friend, one decade younger than me has been in a messy mind. She felt like her anchor wasn't at stage. She's lost. As usual, I truly know that I have that part in me that can motivate people in one single sentence, let alone one hour meeting. I told her something I never taught I would tell someone. Long story short, this evening, I looked through my old documents. I came across a simple line I wrote when I was in high school, 16 dear years ago, oh my, I have goosebumps. I wrote my simple wish on a single waste paper given by my friend. Simple lines that had me cry this whole night. 

"I hope I can speak English well. I can hold the world in my hand. I hope I can speak English with all of kind Englis language such as British, American, Australi"

Yup, with all errors and grammatical mistakes, that was the 16-yo me. Hey, Mon. Just 5 years after that at the age of 21, you made it to USA, United States of America! You never dreamed of this, didn't you!? You didn't even have that courage. Then, when you were 28, you had your first step in Australia and you lived there for the good 2 years. 

You have no idea how much mistakes you would make, how many people you would meet and lost at the same time. Time tells... You are on your own! If you want something, then work your hardest! Give your best shot!

No dreams have gone wasted...

July 4, 2021

What a wonderful world_ The art of gratefulness

While you reading this, I suggest you to play "What a wonderful world" as sung by Kina Grannis and Imaginary Future...on repeat :)

I see trees of green, red roses too..

When life starts as a bud, hopes and dreams are brand new. Life seems to be full of excitement. Everything is new, everything is full of sparks. The cry even, was welcomed with great wide smile of happiness. 

I see them bloom, for me and you

Then things start to move to random directions. The lost leads the way, the hidden intentions, the shocking realizations, the big hits, the low and high falls, the unknown pieces of life is all over. Few chose to bloom, more find it an ugly truth that blooming takes different forms and paces. And that means, it takes time in the equation. You, I, and all of us.. were never given the manuals to live our life. Life has never come with manuals specifically for different individuals. We were left hanging.. onto our own thought and intuitions.

And I think to myself, What a wonderful world

Life that we all face is full of struggles. The struggles we had with our environment, the struggles we had with our family, our loved ones, and most importantly, the struggles we had with ourselves. Our own idea what ideals are. Our own denials of what selfish and egos really are. To only then found that yes.. Life is beautiful. World is wonderful despite all the shortcomings we have. Yes, we all agree that, even in the least seconds we are blessed to still have, world and life is wonderful.

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.

We were taught to go far and beyond with our mind. We were taught to see beyond the sky. The blue, the grey, the black, and the starry sky above us all. We were caught fascinated. Somehow, we found ourselves floating, forgetting that we're never far from the fact that we still on the land. We are designed to stay grounded, while our eyes roaming the dreamy infinity of the air up above. We dream high.. some of us even dream too high. We're floating... 

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

Days and nights passed.. Some of us are anchoring our days and nights to various things or people. Little that we know, no one told us, it's in us.. Everything in life that happen to us, the way we react comes from deep inside and we can actually control it. Only a few of us who are lucky enough to arrive at this spot where we can admit, despite all of our weaknesses, that still... life is great and world is wonderful.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky, and are also on the faces of the people going by

The beauty of life is changing from different circumstances. It is not exaggerating to say that disaster after disaster is in each and every individual you see on the street is real. No-one is so special that he or she has no issues, problems, and shortcomings in life. Everyone fights distinctive war in himself/ herself. But... All those obstacles we face in life is designed to creates a new "us", isn't it? Or no... Or else, it's all in our own perspective we choose to utilize. After all, we all agree.. life is so colorful, whatever shade you choose. Life is wonderful..

I see friends shaking hands saying "How do you do?". They're really saying "I love you"

We were told that friends and companions are our resources of power and validations. We say "love" too much to others. And forgetting to "love" the very person in us. We try to make everyone happy, satisfying their needs and expectations towards us, denying the fact that we're drained in the process. Who is saying "I love you".. Who is saying "I love you"?

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than I'll never know and I think to myself, what a wonderful world

We think that we have lived so long time, but no.. it's a very short time. It always feels like yesterday when we feel first rejection, first validation, first pain in the heart, first hate, first love, first love... Our feelings are too real to deny that even time can't get into the equation, but unfortunately some teach us to deny them saying that our feelings are too much as if our feelings are not valid to each and every one of us. But again, life is wonderful.. All this is temporary and at the end of the day we'll learn that gratefulness is our way to survive.. Gratefulness is our fuel to keep breathing even in the worst environment we're in. Gratefulness is our source of love..   and

Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world..

Darussalam, January 19, 2021

I call it So Alived (Repost from my FB Account)

 Malam ini…

Ada pertempuran di televisi; amerika dan Irak…tentang kepenatan dan kegilaan prajurit Amerika di kamp mereka. Sesekali suara deru listrik yang aku tidak tahu dari mana asalnya terdengar. Lampu kamar ini menyala sangat terang, sementara dua teman sudah sedari tadi bermimpi. Di TV perang benar2 dimulai, tokoh utamanya digambarkan sebagai seorang pemuda biasa yang walaupun punya sisi liar, tapi masih enggan membunuh dan masih berperasaan. Stress tegangan tinggi karena mereka harus melewati sumur-sumur minyak yang telah dibakar.

Above these all… I’m thinking of USA, Iraq, War, Oil, worth, Country, Islam, Win and loss… what do people think!? I know that at same place in other world maybe, there is a little girl playing with her doll while her mom is going to work. Someday when she grows up, by time, she knows what people believe. What people believe…. That’s world girl, … face it. God just needed 7 days to create everything. But everything can be lost in a word. WAR.

Bukan itu intinya,.. hidup dan dunia. I prefer to the first word. Maybe I’m not good in this term, but I’m going to try to guess what life wants from me?

This week I felt so alived. I woke up every single morning, had breakfast or brunch. Socialize with family and friends, got some conflicts from each…. Hibernated to calm the fire that already burnt in my mind. I know myself. And I know how to deal with my angriest . I know exactly what to do. That’s why I need some times to be alone. Being alone doesn’t mean lonely. I’m not lonely. Then when I thought enough was enough, I got up, standing still. I had some laughs again, some smiles, strange smiles some. Haha…

Now, the war ends up in the movie, but not in some part of this world. It’s still going on. On TV, Oprah, who I like the most, is leading conversations with some moms of the country. I hate to know that she plans to quit the show in 2011. Why it has to be in 2011 is still a big question from me. I don’t want to make speculations about it. She said that she needed some rest. I love her anyway. She has a great life to live on. She intends to quit the show, but I know her life will keep moving on. What about yours?

Life….
We find that there are always new births every day, every single day, death as well. We watch some criminals can live freely near us, while good people cry for having no food to eat. We feel a various feelings, go through our hearts and surprisingly we figure out that it changes then. Today we may hate someone we loved yesterday or vice versa. Our dreams change rapidly and sometimes some people cant explain about it.However we should thank God that we have still time; year, months, weeks, days, hours, minutes, and even seconds. We change every breath we take. We don’t stop growing because we are too old. No, because we learn a new think every single day. Sometimes, we just to blind to see… but the Truth is just here, near us, in our heart….

03:27 am, March 27, 2010…

Terlalu sulitkah untuk menunggu!? (Repost from my FB Account)

Terlalu sulitkah untuk menunggu!?

Waktu sekarang berjalan terlalu pelan… setiap mata terpejam, kadang sering berharap, agar malam jadi lebih lama… Saat pagi-pagi yang menyesakkan itu datang, kadang hati bingung dan bertanya “mau dikemanakan langkahku hari ini!?”, “kenapa slalu berkutat pada hal yang sama setiap harinya..!?”
Tak boleh bosan terhadap hidup sendiri… siapapun tahu itu, tapi semudah itukah!?

Banyak pelajaran yang mampu dipetik setiap detiknya, siapapun tahu itu, tapi sempatkah tersadar, sempatkah pelajaran-pelajaran berharga itu hinggap di hati…

Pelajaran kali ini, benar-benar tertinggal di hatiku...Bahwa kadang, ada orang-orang tak akan sanggup menunggu terlalu lama….Sesulit apapun menerima, orang-orang seperti ini ada di sekeliling kita. Mereka, dengan sejuta alasan merasa bahwa hanya merekalah yang diburu waktu, sedang kita… kita tak punya apapun yang bisa dilakukan dengan waktu.

Sesulit itukah menunggu….

Aku tak tahu apa itu cinta… yang aku tahu, ada harapan disana… Salahkah kalau berharap mereka mau menunggu sedikit lebih lama, salahkah kalau mereka meluangkan sedikit lagi waktunya untuk kita!? Semudah itukah mereka pergi, lupa….

Sekecil itukah harapan mereka!? Teman, aku tak tahu apa itu menunggu terlalu lama, tapi aku tahu apa itu berharap… dan sampai saat ini pun aku terus berharap, dan tak pernah aku berhenti tuk berharap... harapan yang senantiasa membuatku mampu bertahan pada satu saja, tak perduli walau itu tak mungkin, karena aku percaya masa depan adalah kejutan..

Tak bisakah sedikit bersabar!? Menunggu sedikit lebih lama…. Bukankah mereka saling mencinta!? Kenapa cinta mereka pupus oleh waktu!? Aku tak terlibat teman, tapi aku benci mendengarnya, aku sakit mendengarnya… begitu gampangkah seseorang pergi… meninggalkan luka yang dalam bagi mereka yang ditinggalkan, kenapa waktu selalu mengalahkan cinta mereka…

Waktu,

Seorang teman pernah bertanya padaku jika aku diberi kesempatan untuk memasuki lorong waktu, kemanakah aku akan pergi… aku tidak bisa menjawab, karena setiap kejadian yang pernah kusesali, toh sekarang benar-benar jadi pelajaran untukku..

Tapi sekarang kalau aku boleh kembali, kumohon, sekali saja, …. Biarkan aku mendorong motornya lebih jauh lagi, kumohon jalan itu lebih panjang dari yang pernah ada, karena itu akan jadi kenangan terindah bagiku. Karena peluhpun tak kupedulikan lagi saat itu, karena senyumnya selalu menghangatkan hatiku yang terus berharap. Karena hanya ia yang tahu harapanku akan cinta itu. Jika aku boleh kembali ke waktu itu, biar kan kami berjalan disana lebih lama lagi, berbagi cerita sekali lagi… karena sekarang aku sangat merindukan senyumnya, merindukan pelukannya, merindukan setiap petanyaannya? Merindukan tatapannya…

Teman tahukah kamu, tak pernah kusesali setiap kejadian yang terjadi denganmu. Saat diary itu kubuka, namamu ada di hampir tiap lembarnya. Bukan aku tak menghargai permata yang kumiliki sekarang. Permata-permata itu indah. Aku punya banyak sekarang, walaupun ada beberapa yang kini tlah pergi, namun teman, permata-permata itu pergi dengan cara yang aku tak pernah pikirkan. Teman, tahukah kau, saat langit malam kupandangi, dan disana aku melihatmu, tapi tak pernah kusanggup tersenyum lagi. Bintangku, teman terindah dalam hidupku. Kau ajarkan aku tuk menunggu, selama apapun itu. Dan aku akan selalu tahu itu. Tapi tak pernah aku sanggup melihat mereka pergi dengan begitu mudahnya.

Teman, waktukah yang memisahkan kita? Sakitkah yang menyatukan kita. Saat aku menangis sesegukan seorang diri selalu kuingat saat kita harus membolos dari kelas untuk menangis berjam-jam di mushala itu. Teman,… andai malam itu aku tidak pulang, aku mungkin bisa memelukmu lagi. Permata paling indah dalam hatiku. Bahkan di mimpikupun kau hanya datang sekali….
Teman… maaf karena ternyata sampai sekarang pun, waktu tak menyembuhkanku….. teman, apakah kau nyaman disana!? Bisakah kuwujudkan mimpi-mimpi itu… akankah alfa-alfa itu hadir dalam hidupku wahai bintang…

February 14, 2010… (For the brightest star… I hope you read this )

Kecil itu indah (Repost from Facebook)

Seorang ibu mengatakan bahwa masa kecilnya tak seindah anaknya yg bisa belajar segalanya dengan mudah. Ada banyak buku untuk anak-anak yang bagus. Ada tempat-tempat bimbingan belajar mulai dari yang paling murah sampai yang paling mahal dengan berbagai fasilitas yang memadai. Ada pilihan untuk datang atau didatangi untuk “belajar”… dengan senyum aku membenarkan. Namun hatiku tidak membenarkan semua yang beliau katakan….

Bagiku menjadi anak kecil haruslah benar-benar menjadi anak kecil. Bukannya buru-buru menjadi dewasa, karena percaya atau tidak, menjadi dewasa lebih banyak tidak enaknya. Menjadi anak kecil kau tidak perlu khawatir untuk bermain dengan debu dan becek. Tidak perlu enggan tuk lari dalam guyuran hujan, walaupun ibu berteriak padamu dari kejauhan agar kau berhenti dan segera pulang. Anak kecil haruslah dan memang semestinya mendengar omelan ibunya sebagai pelengkap suara hujan, yang selanjutnya anak kecil menanggapinya dengan tawa dan terus berlari, bermain dengan titik air yang jatuh dari langit. Anak kecil berarti, tak perlu begitu banyak tuntutan, belajar dengan cara sendiri tanpa harus dipaksa. Anak kecil bagiku adalah manusia paling bebas dan bahagia. Karena menjadi anak kecil, bahagia tak membutuhkan banyak hal. Kau hanya membutuhkan sebutir permen atau sepotong kue atau sebuah hadiah sederhana yang kau berikan dengan senyuman. Dan mereka hanya perlu yakin bahwa ibu dan ayahnya baik-baik saja dan akan selalu di dekatnya.

Anak kecil adalah manusia yang seharusnya tidak hidup dengan begitu banyak tuntutan, anak kecil adalah manusia yang belajar cukup dengan melihat dan mendengar. Sekali kau mengucapkan kata, maka kata itu akan ada bersamanya sepanjang hidupnya. Sekali ia melihat apa yang kau perbuat, ia akan melakukan hal yang sama sampai ia mengerti bahkan setelah ia melakukannya.

Tak butuh waktu lama jika kau ingin membuat mereka menangis. Walau terkadang kau harus berpikir keras jika ingin mendiamkannya. Tapi tahukah kita, bahwa anak kecil jauh lebih peka dari manusia paling hebat sekalipun. Anak kecil bisa melihat caramu melihatnya, mengartikannya sebagai pertanda kau suka atau tidak. Anak kecil bisa membaca matamu, ketulusanmu akan kasih sayang yang kau berikan pada mereka. Anak kecil mampu melihat jauh kedalam hatimu, bahkan saat kau tak sadari sekalipun. Mereka membaca tanda dimatamu walau mereka tak sanggup menjelaskannya.

Orang Aceh mengistilahkan anak kecil sebagai “malaikat”. Aku percaya itu. Jelas mereka malaikat, karena dengan melihat tawanyapun luruhlah beban pikiranmu. Mereka malaikat karena dengan memeluknya, maka segala lelah pun menguap. Malaikat yang mampu membuatmu tertawa dalam tangis. Usapan tangan mungilnya membuatmu tegar menghadapi semua. Anak kecil itu adalah penghilang duka, jika kau mau percaya.

February 8, 2010 (11.40 pm)
(Dedicated for all “anak alot”…esp, the tenth)