So So Sad and tired.. I wanna go home

Dear Mom..

Here is your youngest daughter, far far away from you. I need to across the ocean and continent to meet you. In fact we live apart in different continent. Here I am being avoided by people. Is it Karma?

Mom.. I have lived for almost 30 years now. Not that I don't get it when people don't like me; I actually feel it and aware of it. When some do not want to be looked together with me. And some points, I feel like I don't know...

People are just so disappointing Mom. I just want you.. I wanna cry while embracing you hard so hard.

Mom.. You know, I work now. I clean every Thursday in a house. I used to work together with a friend before. Until she decided to quit, and another friend replacing her. This friend just stayed for a couple weeks before he quit too. And I worked alone in that house for two weeks now. 

That Thursday Mom. I woke up late. Real late. It was raining outside and I don't have umbrella. I did ask my friend to borrow hers, but she said she wanted to use it too. I just could recall how my ex housemate would give it to me, even though she wanted to use it. People are just different in some ways and another. ANd.. her reason made sense thou. I was just expecting too much.

I kept moving tough. I was wet all the way until I found this small store and bought the most expensive umbrella in my life. But I needed to buy it, I still needed to walk. Once I arrived at the house, I was welcomed by my employer's parents ant pets. She felt sorry looking at how wet I was.I think Mom.. I think, Being in that house was the best thing for me for that day. The rest.. The rest even until today, Sunday.. was.. was pushing me so hard to the edge. The old lady even offered to take me home after working. They were so nice. And the pets too.. Sebastian, Scotch, and Fish were also sooo friendly. I just love them. 

Then.. I went home. I finished earlier that day.

Unlike what I did before, I took bus that day till city, so I could take another bus right to my place. But unfortunately.. My unfortunate events started. I took the wrong bus. Until that last stop, I was at that time where I finally realized that this bus driver was just so rude. He is not nice to me Mom. He talked to me like I was a piece of shit. he used the meanest word he could think of. Instead of saying "I will drop you at this street", He said "I will kick you out at this street". I still have that positive mind Mom. I still managed to do so. Remember the last time a stupid man tried to burn my scarf, I stupidly still managed to smile, but some people are just so mean Mom. I still thought that maybe it was just my bad English. Until I felt it Mom. I felt it that he didn't like me at all, Stop by stop he kept saying that I could stop and wait another bus, in fact I could just stay in that bus and stop at the nearest street to my house and walk a bit. But it seemed that he didn't like me Mom. I got off Mom. and I sat there on that bus stop. I was upset that I even missed the next bus. It was raining slightly. I looked up the sky and thought.."Oh God.. why did people become so mean and rude?". Then I looked down, and my tears started to stream down my face. I couldn't control myself. I kept crying until the ext bus coming. Mom... I really wanted it to stop but I couldn't. I kept calling your name and God.. I kept calling you. Mom... I really miss you. I felt like shit. I felt like I am worthless. I felt like I was not human. I kept crying that it was so hard for me to stop. When there was another bus coming, I said hello even it was hard for me to say it.

Once i arrived home, I cried again. MOM.. I am a crybaby. I waited until my friend home at that night. I was about to tell her everything. But she was just so cold that night. Like avoiding me in front of everyone was not enough. I was standing there and stoned. Mom.. I need someone to talk too. I couldn't help it. I then decide to call home. to call you. Once I listened your voice, everything evaporated... I was about to explode but I couldn't let you know and just let me cry to sister instead. Mom... That night after I called you I made another mistake. Just like that day wasn't bad enough. I transferred the money that supposed to be for you to a wrong swift code. Oh God. That morning.. I felt my body sore and hurt. But life needs to flow. The bank fixed everything though I got charged. Mom... I still need someone to talk to. I went practice that night. But what happened there was another shit. I asked people things and they responded like I complaining things. And what was that look? What was that? What did I say wrong?

Mom.. I missed you.. I feel worn out.. I feel unworthy.. I feel used. I feel dumped. 

I remember one of my friends said "Mbak... don't be too good to people. They will end up using you"
Now I know what she mean Mom...

Mom.. I miss you.. I am tired.. I am so so sad...

Now.. every time I look back at me crying on that bus stop all alone, I feel like I wanna hug myself..

Mom... Please pray for me to be strong.

Mom.. 

Brisbane, 19 September 2015

9.38 pm

Week 6 and I get that burning feeling again. Alhamdulillah

Alhamdulillah..

What can I ask more. I am more than enough as a person. I have everything I need as a person. As a post-grad student, I get full support of my country. As a daughter, I have always been loved and prayed in every breath my parents. As a sister, as an aunt, as a friend.. as people of the world, I live fully with all it takes to live. I am just a lucky kid.

However, in this post-grad life sometimes pushes everyone to the limit. Not to mention if you live away from home where at most of the time you will feel lonely. Only assignments and computer, books and Facebook that are always there with you. I was on my down time the last 5 weeks. I felt what it is being demotivated. I felt I lost interest in finishing my study and run home. For what? For nothing. I was soooo lost that I was stuck not knowing what to do next, or even first. I feel like I was being pulled down to the earth. I was being hit to the ground and slap in the harshest way possible. I just can't describe how empty I felt and how freezing my brain was.

But then...

I read this line somewhere in the social media that says "You don't really have done everything until you wake up in the middle of night and pray"

That was.. the kindest yet the bitterest reminder I have to take for sure. I am a muslim and I should have known what to do from the first place. there's no such thing as lost and lost, I should have known earlier that it was a sign of a sickened-heart. I just need my heart to be soften by the midnight prayers. And that's it... Allah helps.. Allah always helps..

And now I do understand what assignment really is for. It is for students to get that willing again to study deeper and more...

Now.. Let's do that proposal!!!

Yehaaaaaa