I am not gonna complain or ignore that is so much more to life in this 2017 than grief, loss, and death. But let's face it. It's been too much this year.
Now that I'm sitting here all by myself full of questions, scared minds, uncertain thoughts, and sadness.. Real hurt sadness. My father is laying on the sick bed inside. Being unconcious for more than 3 days now. Regret.. That's the first thing comes in my mind if something worse happens to him. I question my existance and promises I made in the past. Why am I here on the first place? Why am I not there..
_________________________________________________________________________________
Written 6 days before he left forever...
And that I check this draft again, I feel grateful while another part of me still can't let go that feeling of grief, that feeling lost. I have faced a lot last year, learned a lot, made big decisions that now have taken me places (not literally).
I have revealed great things,
_________________________________________________________________________________
I check those two writings again. Now is October 24, 2018, and next month on the eleventh, he will be gone for a year.
They say that there are five stages of lost; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've been at stage 4 and I think I am finally in peace now, but I do remember how scattered my feelings and life were.
I wasn't on his side when he breathed out his last. I was home and was about to visit him again. My world was turning upside down. Everything seemed to go wrong. Everything seemed to go against me. I didn't like the idea of people gathering around just to remind me more and more that "Yes, he's gone now! Accept it and live your life"
I was in a fight, cold war with some members of my family in the first two weeks after he's gone. It's like I didn't have anyone to hold on to. I lost the trust of myself. I lost trust in everyone. My anger was so massive that it hurts everyone around me and me even more.
Then comes a big decision I had to make to stay alive. I had to keep moving on. The end of 2017 is turning over for me. I decided to quit working from a place that pretty much makes me who I am today. I moved to a new place to work in my undergrad University.
Thus, the upside downs of the life of 2017 have changed and taught me a lot.
1. Don't put your expectation high on people. People are nice, but most of the time, people are disappointing.
Don't get me wrong. I love people and I am the kind of person who believes that everyone was born an angel. Circumstances and the way we react are what change and transform us. But people have their own interest and goals too in life, and when it's conflicting with your needs, of course, people will put theirs first. It's called common sense. So, repeat after me.
"I will not rely on people when it comes to my own happiness"
2. Nothing stays forever...
People you love will die
Money is gone wasted
Trust will be betrayed
People will forget you
Your time will be limited
You will be sick
The crowd will be changed with the painful silence
There will be time when music will no longer relaxing
Your degrees will be useless
The things you've learned and you've known will be outdated
Then what?
Stand your ground! Chin up and face this life with confidence. Nobody says that everything will be smooth. It is not! You will face regrets. You will feel hurt and disappointment. At your worst time, you will want to die or run, to say the least. Nobody can guarantee that you will be forever and ever, happy. No! It's a cotton candy fact. No one lives like that. Everyone has problems, and you are not special, nor with your privileges or your drawbacks. So, move on!
3. Don't hold on your grudge
Forgive but never forget. there is a famous say "The stupid neither forgive nor forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but not forget". Living among people will allow you to have different circumstances. You can't control them, but you can always control how you react towards them. People will always and always have reasons for whatever they do and say. Don't argue with it. If it hurts you, then forgive it, but never forget it. Let it go. Not for them, but for the sake of your own mental health. You don't wanna be self-absorbed and self-centered. When people being grumpy, it's not always about you. Maybe they have bad days and it has nothing to do with you. The world doesn't revolve around you. LIVE ON! LET GO!
You can always learn from them. Remember the pain, embrace the feelings, so that you don't repeat their mistakes on others.
Those are three big lessons I learn in that year. I wrote it not because I did it. It's because I fail in it. I expect too much from people. Once I get something,m I will think that it's forever for me. I don't like unnecessary change in everything. I don't like sudden changes. I hold on grudge and it was hard for me to forgive anything and anyone. I was shattered. I was torn in pieces. I turn bitter toward things and people.
This piece of writing is finally finished today (June 26, 2019). It's fascinating how I still can remember what I faced in 2017. Bye 2017, it's 2019 and now I am stronger.
Now that I'm sitting here all by myself full of questions, scared minds, uncertain thoughts, and sadness.. Real hurt sadness. My father is laying on the sick bed inside. Being unconcious for more than 3 days now. Regret.. That's the first thing comes in my mind if something worse happens to him. I question my existance and promises I made in the past. Why am I here on the first place? Why am I not there..
_________________________________________________________________________________
Written 6 days before he left forever...
And that I check this draft again, I feel grateful while another part of me still can't let go that feeling of grief, that feeling lost. I have faced a lot last year, learned a lot, made big decisions that now have taken me places (not literally).
I have revealed great things,
_________________________________________________________________________________
I check those two writings again. Now is October 24, 2018, and next month on the eleventh, he will be gone for a year.
They say that there are five stages of lost; denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I've been at stage 4 and I think I am finally in peace now, but I do remember how scattered my feelings and life were.
I wasn't on his side when he breathed out his last. I was home and was about to visit him again. My world was turning upside down. Everything seemed to go wrong. Everything seemed to go against me. I didn't like the idea of people gathering around just to remind me more and more that "Yes, he's gone now! Accept it and live your life"
I was in a fight, cold war with some members of my family in the first two weeks after he's gone. It's like I didn't have anyone to hold on to. I lost the trust of myself. I lost trust in everyone. My anger was so massive that it hurts everyone around me and me even more.
Then comes a big decision I had to make to stay alive. I had to keep moving on. The end of 2017 is turning over for me. I decided to quit working from a place that pretty much makes me who I am today. I moved to a new place to work in my undergrad University.
Thus, the upside downs of the life of 2017 have changed and taught me a lot.
1. Don't put your expectation high on people. People are nice, but most of the time, people are disappointing.
Don't get me wrong. I love people and I am the kind of person who believes that everyone was born an angel. Circumstances and the way we react are what change and transform us. But people have their own interest and goals too in life, and when it's conflicting with your needs, of course, people will put theirs first. It's called common sense. So, repeat after me.
"I will not rely on people when it comes to my own happiness"
2. Nothing stays forever...
People you love will die
Money is gone wasted
Trust will be betrayed
People will forget you
Your time will be limited
You will be sick
The crowd will be changed with the painful silence
There will be time when music will no longer relaxing
Your degrees will be useless
The things you've learned and you've known will be outdated
Then what?
Stand your ground! Chin up and face this life with confidence. Nobody says that everything will be smooth. It is not! You will face regrets. You will feel hurt and disappointment. At your worst time, you will want to die or run, to say the least. Nobody can guarantee that you will be forever and ever, happy. No! It's a cotton candy fact. No one lives like that. Everyone has problems, and you are not special, nor with your privileges or your drawbacks. So, move on!
3. Don't hold on your grudge
Forgive but never forget. there is a famous say "The stupid neither forgive nor forget. The naive forgive and forget. The wise forgive but not forget". Living among people will allow you to have different circumstances. You can't control them, but you can always control how you react towards them. People will always and always have reasons for whatever they do and say. Don't argue with it. If it hurts you, then forgive it, but never forget it. Let it go. Not for them, but for the sake of your own mental health. You don't wanna be self-absorbed and self-centered. When people being grumpy, it's not always about you. Maybe they have bad days and it has nothing to do with you. The world doesn't revolve around you. LIVE ON! LET GO!
You can always learn from them. Remember the pain, embrace the feelings, so that you don't repeat their mistakes on others.
Those are three big lessons I learn in that year. I wrote it not because I did it. It's because I fail in it. I expect too much from people. Once I get something,m I will think that it's forever for me. I don't like unnecessary change in everything. I don't like sudden changes. I hold on grudge and it was hard for me to forgive anything and anyone. I was shattered. I was torn in pieces. I turn bitter toward things and people.
This piece of writing is finally finished today (June 26, 2019). It's fascinating how I still can remember what I faced in 2017. Bye 2017, it's 2019 and now I am stronger.
