What on Earth!? (A repost of Facebook Notes posted on Dec 2010)

Ok....let say I was in wrong place, again! but I think nope.... I was about meeting unwanted "person"..

It was not that bad... really! but sometimes it's just like when you drink hot latte with cream! come on! with cream, a cup of hot latte! it's hot....I know how weird it be, but to be honest I have that experience. I know I run-off my topic..

sometimes when you wake up in the morning and find that day is going to be different or excited, more excited than the day you have before, you know... you feel like it's strange, and instead of excited you become so anxious. I should stay at home the whole day...but I didn't

okay...here's the problem. I admit it that maybe I could be the most sophisticated "human" you have ever met. I am the you "think" the most weird and the most fool or the most what we call "alien". Okay I am an alien. So what?

Even an alien doesn't need that blaming and judging and disgusting way of seeing!! I don't like it. Never like it. not From that one!!!

I used to be in wrong damn place! used to meet some damn wrong people! become a part of it and pretended that everything was just okay, while in fact I was not OK.

I am not OK... my days ruined.. my feeling messed up....my thoughts twisted... what happen to me?

The worst thing is that some people just threat me as a robot that I can handle every matter, that I can tackle every "bad word"... I just cant take it anymore...

I really need some rest. from everything... from everyone...I need to go somewhere sooooo far....for soooo long... I need to be alone for sometime....If I just could..

I get sick of everything and I need a balance coz I'm already old...

An Ant (A repost of Facebook Notes posted in 2010)

A repost with a little editing here and there


An ant is a little bug live in a very huge-dared-world. An ant, never lives so long, but always cares for others. Always thinks for how to live on. An ant never wants to conquer the world, even just a house full of food, but an ant just takes something enough for him, and for the rest of the family just for awhile. An ant never gets scared of taking what human have, cos what he takes just a tiny piece of it. An ant is just an ant. Sometimes gets misunderstood. Sometimes chased just for a-tiny-silly-mistake. An ant never bites if you just leave him alone. An ant never bites if you don’t kill his family. An ant never attacks you HUMAN! If you don’t attack his family first.

An ant live in a group. Always works for the group. Always takes a little. Be small and realizes it for sure. An ant knows how to adapt. An ant never blames human who step on him. Since he knows human sometimes never realizes it. An ant forgives. An ant gets mercy for it. An ant lives alone with his family. An ant never distracts your great world, he just want a bit of your cake. An ant can never disturb you in will...

An ant is a teacher for you... for me... for everyone who knows

27:18
“an ant said: ‘Go into your dwellings, ants, lest Solomon and his warriors should unwittingly crush you”

00.24 AM
Banda Aceh, December 18, 2010.

I called it so-Alived part 2 ( A repost notes from Facebook in 2010)

This is a repost written in 2010 posted on Facebook Notes with a little edit.


Just like usual, I woke up in the morning, found something to eat, or drink... got use to the morning, and took shower. It's still the best way to wake me up from day-dreaming-couldn’t-stop-me-dream-walking-Ergh. And just like usual, I could never take away my life from those kids! A little hug, some kisses, some jokes. Always took me to a bunch of smiles. I really really loved them with all tea in China (why it has to be in China!? Tasikmalaya is fully loaded with tea also).

Hm... I’d got lot of things to worry. It’s “T”...”T”....and “T”... go heck with “T”. I hate “T”... Oh no, I didn't mean it, I don’t hate it...hm, but, yup, I hate it, just,...a little. Talking about “T”. There’s gonna be a “T” party today. Everybody’s going to be hosts cause they did make great “Ts”, then they got “T” certification from “T” master. They would get “T”-shake; it’s when “T” master shake hands with “T”makers. Apparently, I hate this “T” party...maybe just for today... cause I cant be good “T” makers like them all. Now, I am just a “T” dump. But I’m pretty sure that my “T” is going to be a ticket for me to be one of thousands “T” makers in the party. I passed this party, so I’m just a guest STAR today, not the HOST. But in couple months.. I’m gonna be one!

Thinking about the “T” party...again...that I have to attend in couple more hours, I got numb and grumpy. It’s sunny today but it turns blue and dark in my view, so I pick my favorite Tee; a long-sleeve-black-tee and my brown khaki. I really need to visit my farm, fixing some stuff in my farm always make me feel better. There I be in my farm for less than two hours, finishing my orchard, but I still need a lot of nails and woods. and i should go home and I’m really starving now. Mom asks me to prepare the broccoli myself if I want it for lunch. Ha ha, there’s no oyster sauce in the kitchen. So what!? I still have salt, and I think a pinch of sugar can give a De-li-ci-ous broccoli ever! I love broccoli. And guess what, we got Tofu but it’s not prepared yet. I love Tofu also_means that I have to eat that_means that I HAVE TO cook it for sure! I’m starving already, my tummy gurgling. Whush..... with my magic wand_in this case_my beautiful lovely pair of my hands...Thada....here’s the lunch, hot white rice, broccoli and peas, tofu and shrimp (I’ll never forget this one, and got so happy cause it’s my free time to eat shrimp cause no more allergy, at least for this year)...........................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................I’m eating, can’t you see!? .................................................................................................................................................................. Slurp...

It’s noon already. Get prepare, and take my best pal to the party, definitely, she’s just like me. We’re not the hosts for this time. But we’re Okay. Bru brum....my bike is just wonderful! My bike....it’s my dad’s bike. My own bike has gone... he left me.. my red Volcom...my 6201 AM, my best partner, I hope you’re Okay now. Hiks...

We are in the party and ... I don’t know what happened. It was Gloria Estevan singing “Survive” for me just now but then, the song stops and Dale Daniel comes and cries singing “You gave her your name” for the moment. Whaaa..... I get lost in the crowd....it dramatically changes like I am a frog who been thrown away in North pole with Penguins!!! (is there any penguin in the north pole? Say yes if you insane!). and I just don’t know...I can’t stand anymore....I got dizzy and tears are flooding my eyes but I don’t wanna cry. I must not to! I may not ruin their day with my stupid tears! They deserve joy for this day and my tears just seems to be so fool!

Thanks for the help, my best pal ever comes and help me n the crowd unless I will fall down. I hold her tight, I don’t want to be LOST anymore. Meet some Host, say some congrats words, join another party. Full of laughs at last.

I think the day is just end, but I was wrong. Another journey start and takes me to a beautiful new mom with a cute baby boy,,,uh....I love them ...and suddenly Quincy Coleman sings “Baby don't you cry” for me... I wont Coleman. I wont cry! You just don't know how happy a mother is to have a baby! I don’t know, cause I don't have one, this time. But I’m so happy seeing her and the baby. We used to have great talks and times before, but time goes on, some things change rapidly. Some comes, some gone. Some remain, some don't.

Gotta leave again....and now I’m gonna hit the road...to meet my bestest pals to have some fun together. It’s beautiful day! Isn’t it!? We got all fun together from the riverside park to mesjid. From mesjid to “Durian hunting” with lots of lots of Funniest jokes ever. Then it’s not stop yet! We then leading to a lots-of-things-to-sell store. I find some good movies, see some fancy dolls and stuff. Meet a very funny doll for Amna, I bet she falls so in love to the doll, it’s so cute.... and guess what!? The married one needs some bread for breakfast. Oh come on....it’s 9 pm Tin! The bakery is not closed that early. We have to move fast and stop at the bakery and get some breads. I got a Chocolate Lava; A chocolate bread with melting chocolate inside. Addicted. So don't eat it if you don't want to miss it! Hahahahah....whatever...then we take everyone to their houses. And I’m the one left. Is this a sign!? For every journey, for every group I am in, for every moment, I always be the last. But that’s OK. It’s dark...it’s a long day with lots of things to say and feel. Beyond it all, I can easily smile before sleep now. Life moves on. I move on. It’s not about “T” party or “T” certification only. It’s about how you face the truth that sometimes it’s hard to smile when people think you are fail. And day by day they think that you become a moron (I really hate this word) and all you got is just five magic words....FAITH, don’t loss it unless you got no happiness, Trust me!

November 28 2010, 2.30 in the morning

Knowing yourself better to know your God better; The Art of Gratefulness

There was once a drowning man. A boat came by and tried to save him, but he said "no thank you, God will save me." Another boat tried to save him but he said "no thank you, God will save me" and he drowned. When he got to heaven he said "why didn't you save me God?" and God said "I sent you two boats, you big dummy!"

(The lines in The Pursuit of Happiness as told by Chris Gardner's son)

It's been my fourth month working "a new job". Well, it's technically an old place I used to work at, with a different tone, distinctive color, and various spices I may call. It wasn't easy at first, of course. I had so many doubts over myself, I doubted my guts to made a huge decision to be in that place again. But now I think about it again, I guess, it was always Allah in the first place. There are so many nights in the last four months I felt so tired and exhausting, but there are also so many nights where I went to sleep smiling. I've never been this relieved and it all came from the fact that now, it all came from the idea of to be grateful is as beautiful as art. Dang, I miss all this warm soothing feeling being around pure souls and energetic vibes. 

I know that there's no perfect things in life, not in this world. As believers and people of God, I do believe that the hereafter is the perfect one. However, I've felt enough and "enough" is always a strong word. 

"Enough" is the keyword in this difficult exam called life. "Enough" is the fuel in this long bumpy ride called life. "Enough" is always the cure for our tired heart in this unprecedented life. Enough is.. the perspective we use to be in peace with our condition.

We all would always think that our issues are so big that nobody would ever understand our pain, ignoring our needs to get help from the first place. We see people reach out their hands to save us, but sometimes we're so full of ourselves avoiding our basic need of being humans, to need help, to be help, and to help. We tend to misinterpret "enough" as the way it should be.

If only we're humble "enough", light is always there in the end of the tunnel. And most of the time, the light comes from the torch someone's holding. Can't we try a little harder to admit that "that someone" could be the baristas we met on the coffee shop this morning. That "one someone" could be the Office Boy we passed through this afternoon. "That someone" could be that one colleague we always tried to avoid. That "one someone" could be the annoying sibling we've always had. That "one someone" could be our best friend who was always there by our side. But again, we're so full of "me", "I", and "myself" that around us, "he", "she", or "they" are always present.

Avoiding all the helps, the kind intentions, thinking that it is what "enough" is really meant. Thinking "Oh.. Me and my God are enough". Pushing ourselves way too far from people when it could be the people who are actually God's helps over us. 

To live is a long run. It is a hard one. And we were told from the very beginning that "If you are grateful, I will certainly give you more." As if the line was never there, we're so proud and bragging that it's only us, only us alone who are deserving of Allah's countless grace and again, we ignored people helps.

If life is the canvas, then gratefulness is the correct stroke we use to turn our plain art to be something beautiful.

23:44 PM
Ulee Kareng, November 23, 2021

What it means to be a listener..

Growing up in a huge family and as the youngest has led me to a walking written journals. I was trained to remember every detail, every story, every thing involved in the chaos life of my big family. 

Being poor is a thing, but to see people poorer than us and have empathy at the same time!? Well, not everybody is equipped with that. I have seen how some people fortunate enough to change the circumstances of their lives, changing from the poor to the rich, but lost in the way by loosing empathy and care. Me, on the other side, I am lucky, at least that's what I believe, to have parents who always believe that they have more than enough. 

I can clearly recall how the relatives from my hometown stuffed in our small-already-full rent house once they arrive in the town in the pursuit of better life. I remember how my mom being so busy preparing great lunch and dinner on every occasion when they were people from our hometown arrive in our place. I always felt amazed how my parents were always there listening to every story, every complain, every excitement their relatives shared without getting fully affected. Their level of sympathy and empathy are just enough, to make their talkers feel safe, and to become stronger every time all the story stops. 

Just a couple days ago, I had one of my colleagues told me that "You know what? You're always like an empty bucket every time people tell them their story. Stop doing it! Don't get too indulge in the situation like that or you will end up so tired and fed up. It will ruin you and your life". I was stunned. I wasn't fully surprised. I mean, all this time I know that but I never know that people see it. It's like you were blind and walking by the edge of the cliff, and someone try to grab your hand and tell you, "Hey.. you're in danger, walk further off the cliff!". It fells like I was being saved. How powerful those words could be. 

And now, I do aware of how my friends, close or not close always reached me every time they have like the worst stories to share. They pour "their hurting stories" in "my empty bucket" and voila.. My empathy was always too much, I got drowned some times. I remember, one time, I needed to keep a "dangerous story" my self for weeks, and it ruined my days. I was devastated, I was frowned, cried all nights, to the point where I loose some weights. I was a terrible "feeler". I feel too much and it's energy-wrenched. 

I heard, or I listened way too much today, it starts affecting or sucking my energy! I am so doomed! I was so tired I could have a 4-hour nap! No lunch, and I was okay!

No way! I should be more self-aware and start to learn to say No..

MOn.. this is too much! look after yourself.

When I met Grace on Easter Day

It was still an Easter holiday in a bright Fall season, 2016.
I didn't know what I was thinking. That morning, after finding out that my banana plantation was getting crushed by the either the bush turkey or the possum, I googled the closest beach from my place. and I got it. The picture of the pier extended to the dark orange and blue sky. It caught my eyes, and that decision became one of the best decisions I have made in my life. 

Train selfie hey

I got ready, check the train track to reach it. I had nothing in mind, but getting there pretty soon. What was I thinking. The journey was long enough to contemplate. It was rough day for me. The uni works were sucks! Assignments after assignments and I have this huge dissertation I had to finish in two months ahead. 

There were not so many people in the train. It was Sunday, and just before I knew it. I was there at the station. Only few people left. It was  quite a late morning there. I started to look around and checked my Gmap. What else could I rely on. I crossed the park. I didn't pass anyone on the park. It was peacefully quite. Maybe people decided to have a good longer sleep on that Sunday morning. The road got a bit steeper then. And when I felt like it was the highest point of the street, I saw it. I saw the beach and right there.. and there was the pier I saw in the pic I just googled that morning. 

I decided to buy fish and chips at the closest store, it's almost lunch time. Down I went to the beach.

Contrary to what I saw on the street. It was quite lively in there. It was not so crowded, but it seemed like some family were enjoying their holiday there. And I could see some people fishing by the pier. 

I sat by the beach to have my lunch. My eyes were right at the horizon, and surprisingly, I smiled.. I smiled and I realized that my problems were not significant. I was there all alone with my thoughts, my regrets, my realization, my self, when...

A little girl with long wavy  auburn hair walked close to me. He then run to her family and came back every once in a while. I smiled at her. She smiled back. Just when I thought I wanted to say hi, she said "Hello.." to me first, I replied "hi.." and tried to look over her family signing that if it is okay to talk to her. A beautiful lady who seemed to be the girl's mother smiled and nodded to me. A sincere smile she had. 

Then I got the courage to ask for her name. "Grace" said her.  I was there stunning at how amazing world works around us. How random great things happened around us without us knowing anything. She was so adorable and kind. She was the one that approach me first. She was in long-sleeve swimming suit, a great colour that turned her hair even more standing out. "You have beautiful hair", I said. "Thank you" answered her politely. This girl was an angel, God must send her to me to cheer me up, were all that I thought. But then, I wasn't ready for her next question. "What about your hair? Why do you cover it?". I was quite for a while, thinking. "It's what I want, I want to do it". Then we talked and talked. Until her mom came, and it seemed like they're ready to leave. I told her everything I discussed with her daughter. And what she told me was even more comforting. After everything I have faced in that place. Grace... showed me that miracle did happen sometimes. 

Who would have imagined that a 30-year old sad foreign woman found a company of a 5-year old girl
by the Shorncliffe Beach that Easter Holiday. Who would have thought that it's the girl who first kept approaching me to talk. I was a complete stranger. But every time I recall to this memory, I am always sure that sometimes when you thought that everything was impossible, it is when the universe comes in handy. It's just likes everything in this world conspired to make you stand again. I was so completely relieved that time. 

I saw those family leaving and to the pier I went. I took a long satisfying breath, the smell of the sea is always my favorite. I was saved that day by a young beautiful girl named Grace. I cherish this memory and somehow I love it too much that I keep drawing Grace character in my painting. Thank you Grace.. Thank you so much...

Banda Aceh, September 4, 2021

What it means to raise, slip, and fall to the ground..

How long do you need to live to finally learn that life is not as simple as the story your parents read for you before you sleep. How far do you need to go to finally see that "the world" you live in is a tiny fracture in a big "One world" full of differences. How deep do you need to dig to find out that life is not always about black and white. How.. 

As someone who is in her thirties, I've learned it the hard way. So much time, effort, and finance were sacrificed during the fight. So many people were hurt and pushed aside to make one's dream true. 
One time, my close friend told me that isn't it impossible to make everyone's dream come true. There must be someone's dream which is needed to be put on hold or not made true at all. As believers, most of us who believe in the power of prayers have a firm believe that everything is possible. 

A friend, one decade younger than me has been in a messy mind. She felt like her anchor wasn't at stage. She's lost. As usual, I truly know that I have that part in me that can motivate people in one single sentence, let alone one hour meeting. I told her something I never taught I would tell someone. Long story short, this evening, I looked through my old documents. I came across a simple line I wrote when I was in high school, 16 dear years ago, oh my, I have goosebumps. I wrote my simple wish on a single waste paper given by my friend. Simple lines that had me cry this whole night. 

"I hope I can speak English well. I can hold the world in my hand. I hope I can speak English with all of kind Englis language such as British, American, Australi"

Yup, with all errors and grammatical mistakes, that was the 16-yo me. Hey, Mon. Just 5 years after that at the age of 21, you made it to USA, United States of America! You never dreamed of this, didn't you!? You didn't even have that courage. Then, when you were 28, you had your first step in Australia and you lived there for the good 2 years. 

You have no idea how much mistakes you would make, how many people you would meet and lost at the same time. Time tells... You are on your own! If you want something, then work your hardest! Give your best shot!

No dreams have gone wasted...

July 4, 2021

What a wonderful world_ The art of gratefulness

While you reading this, I suggest you to play "What a wonderful world" as sung by Kina Grannis and Imaginary Future...on repeat :)

I see trees of green, red roses too..

When life starts as a bud, hopes and dreams are brand new. Life seems to be full of excitement. Everything is new, everything is full of sparks. The cry even, was welcomed with great wide smile of happiness. 

I see them bloom, for me and you

Then things start to move to random directions. The lost leads the way, the hidden intentions, the shocking realizations, the big hits, the low and high falls, the unknown pieces of life is all over. Few chose to bloom, more find it an ugly truth that blooming takes different forms and paces. And that means, it takes time in the equation. You, I, and all of us.. were never given the manuals to live our life. Life has never come with manuals specifically for different individuals. We were left hanging.. onto our own thought and intuitions.

And I think to myself, What a wonderful world

Life that we all face is full of struggles. The struggles we had with our environment, the struggles we had with our family, our loved ones, and most importantly, the struggles we had with ourselves. Our own idea what ideals are. Our own denials of what selfish and egos really are. To only then found that yes.. Life is beautiful. World is wonderful despite all the shortcomings we have. Yes, we all agree that, even in the least seconds we are blessed to still have, world and life is wonderful.

I see skies of blue, and clouds of white.

We were taught to go far and beyond with our mind. We were taught to see beyond the sky. The blue, the grey, the black, and the starry sky above us all. We were caught fascinated. Somehow, we found ourselves floating, forgetting that we're never far from the fact that we still on the land. We are designed to stay grounded, while our eyes roaming the dreamy infinity of the air up above. We dream high.. some of us even dream too high. We're floating... 

The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night

Days and nights passed.. Some of us are anchoring our days and nights to various things or people. Little that we know, no one told us, it's in us.. Everything in life that happen to us, the way we react comes from deep inside and we can actually control it. Only a few of us who are lucky enough to arrive at this spot where we can admit, despite all of our weaknesses, that still... life is great and world is wonderful.

The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky, and are also on the faces of the people going by

The beauty of life is changing from different circumstances. It is not exaggerating to say that disaster after disaster is in each and every individual you see on the street is real. No-one is so special that he or she has no issues, problems, and shortcomings in life. Everyone fights distinctive war in himself/ herself. But... All those obstacles we face in life is designed to creates a new "us", isn't it? Or no... Or else, it's all in our own perspective we choose to utilize. After all, we all agree.. life is so colorful, whatever shade you choose. Life is wonderful..

I see friends shaking hands saying "How do you do?". They're really saying "I love you"

We were told that friends and companions are our resources of power and validations. We say "love" too much to others. And forgetting to "love" the very person in us. We try to make everyone happy, satisfying their needs and expectations towards us, denying the fact that we're drained in the process. Who is saying "I love you".. Who is saying "I love you"?

I hear babies cry, I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than I'll never know and I think to myself, what a wonderful world

We think that we have lived so long time, but no.. it's a very short time. It always feels like yesterday when we feel first rejection, first validation, first pain in the heart, first hate, first love, first love... Our feelings are too real to deny that even time can't get into the equation, but unfortunately some teach us to deny them saying that our feelings are too much as if our feelings are not valid to each and every one of us. But again, life is wonderful.. All this is temporary and at the end of the day we'll learn that gratefulness is our way to survive.. Gratefulness is our fuel to keep breathing even in the worst environment we're in. Gratefulness is our source of love..   and

Yes, I think to myself, what a wonderful world..

Darussalam, January 19, 2021