Life starts at 40! Really!?

It was 6:30 PM, and I had just arrived home from my brother's house. My sister picked me up because I had lost all my remaining energy and power from what happened that day. 

Well.. It was my birthday.. yeaaay.. I'm finally 40!!
No... If you expect this writing to be cheerful, then you'd better stop reading now. I have warned you. It's about regret, disappointment, loss of expectations, and false hopes. 

Knowing that it's my birthday, I was full of energy, just like usual. I mean, a day before, I went to a swimming pool (even though I wasn't that well) to be present at my students' swimming competition. I was tired, so I had to take a long nap of 3 hours. 

Back to the birth-day. I went around and full energy spreading positivity like what I always do. Saying hi here and there. and I went to K2 class to interact with this brilliant kids. They're full of joy and I believe they will have bright futures ahead. Amiin

It was rather okay when suddenly I got a text, "Kak.. There's a student in your office who has just made an issue, grade ______". Oh come on.. their school days in here are just 3 days left; Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and then comes the graduation and another grads. 

But probably it is just not my lucky day. The teachers and I were already exhausted with everything. Then, I thought.. the mistake that this kid made was beyond my comprehension. I am done advising. So I took him to the "big" office and decided that it's great for everyone to "calm down". I asked the teacher to tell the parent to pick him up. He's just done for that school day. This is where the misery started bursting out of the devils' dent. 

With calm demeanor he came, but I could see his trousers were still folded up to his claves. He was sure in hurry and tried so hard to keep his composure. I welcomed him with a smile. I guided him to another office because my boss was still having other guests in there. 

He stood there, by the door, not getting in. He was just asking where he was. And I pointed there he was sitting waiting. He asked another question, and I answered. That when everything went down south. 

...................................................

The kids was hurt. I was hurt.... from protecting the kid. 

...................................................

I was freezing,.. I was too shocked to comprehend everything. It's not hurting me physically that much. I mean, my body has a high pain-resistance, maybe I am a cat (hehehhe). But what hurt me the most was I felt failed. I failed protecting the kid. I failed in handling the situation. I failed in anticipating things going south. 

But... what you could expect from people like that. Probably, what hurting me the most was not really the incident. It's the reaction and "words" after that incident. I could not. It shattered all my trust in seconds. I felt betrayed and God only know what I had in mind. I needed it to feel safe, so the last resort I had was my family. I called them, and that's it. Was it the last straw on the camel's back? It might be...

What I need now is an umbrella that protects, the warmth that doesn't intimidate, the trust that doesn't question, and last the objectivity that doesn't manipulate.
.......

As the days change, I don't want to feel regret in the future. I hate it when most people come and say "We need you", "I need you", "Think of us"...

I need me. I need me.

I have to stand for myself, for better or worse. Every man is for himself. And for everything that happened, I don't blame anyone. It is just my unlucky day, my 40th birthday. And if I could turn back time, I would just stay at home that day and none of this would end up like this. But it's probably just God's sign. And I want to read it clearly. 

Banda Aceh, May 2026

2025 in a "Fire" Reflection

So, I intent to write a 4-type review; Fire, water, wind, and earth.
This is the first one.

As 2025 comes to an end, I find myself longing for a decade ago—when time was spent reading and writing, when thinking itself was valued as a process of learning, not something to be rushed or silenced.

Today, critical thinking feels unwelcome. Truth, when spoken aloud, is dismissed as noise—an irritating buzz. Being loud, even in honesty, is considered impolite. Civility is no longer about integrity, but about how well one can fabricate words, regulate emotions, and package ideas to please. Fail to do so, and you are labeled a rebel. To be different is to be accused of opposing the norm.

People dislike what shines too brightly; it hurts their eyes. Strong personalities are slowly shattered in unhealthy environments—spaces that kill light softly, quietly, without leaving obvious scars.

To be “right” now often means obeying blindly and wearing a mask. Yet people forget that a rotten character can be smelled from afar. You may polish it with smiles, beautiful words, and a kind façade—but for how long can it stand? Eventually, the truth slips through: a smirk that appears uncontrollably, a gesture that betrays the act.

Fake friends.
Fake love.
Fake products.
Even faking goodness itself—so common that it has become the default of a sick society.

For every so-called noble cause, people manipulate their surroundings. “It’s for everyone’s sake,” she says—when in truth, it is the crown of pride she longs to place upon her own head.

Sometimes, misery does not come from within. Sometimes it is born from the poisonous air you breathe every single day, every single second of your life.

Every damn time I was fooled.
Every damn time I forgave.
And every damn time forgiveness made me look foolish.
In these times, forgiveness is seen as weakness. Compassion is treated as a flaw. Humility becomes a disadvantage—something others use to step on your head as they climb.

Fiiiuh…

Fuck you, 2025.
Fuck you—and goodbye.

I am done with you.
This year stripped people bare, revealing their true colors, and I hated what I saw. Beautiful skins paired with ugly hearts. Their presence suffocated me—dressed like angels, yet corrupted by a desperate hunger for validation, rotting their grace and innocence from within.

Or…
Perhaps, thank you, 2025.

Maybe it was me all along. Maybe my eyes were too dirty to see beauty in broken cracks. Hahaha.

But know this—I see you. I have seen you all this time.
And in 2026, you should walk carefully.

Because my worst nightmare has awakened.
You wait and see. 😎