Words are harsher than poisons

 (This piece of work was written on August 26, 2025)

What does it truly mean to live longer and see more?

I didn’t really understand it before — but life has its own way of teaching, sometimes in the hardest way possible. It shows me that words can be sharper than swords and more poisonous than venom.

Once words leave your mouth, they’re like arrows — you can’t pull them back. They’re no longer yours. They might strike the guilty… or wound the innocent.

Words can be either a joke or a curse — depending on who says them, and in what context.

As much as we try to forgive, it’s always hard to forget.
And that’s how life teaches us:

• That distance brings clarity. Stepping back doesn’t always mean pulling away. Sometimes, we hear things more clearly from afar.
• With distance, words find their true shape — and their echoes soften. Those echoes can heal broken souls… or shatter pure ones.

Whatever the outcome, words are always heard.
And when they are, they become more than just a collection of letters strung together to form meaning.

Whatever it is, words are always heard.. and when it is heard, they're more than just a collection of letter that gather-up to form a meaning. Words are us to convey the meaning and to get the message across.

So.. with your words, what's the message you want to say?

Impostor Syndrome (IS); That time when you never feel good enough

When you hear the word “impostor,” what do you really think of?
Most of us who lived through the pandemic at the beginning of 2020 probably heard it far too often — that the impostor is the bad guy in Among Us.

pic from verywell website

According to the Oxford Online Dictionary:

Impostor (n): a person who pretends to be somebody else in order to trick people.

Meanwhile, from Verywell Mind:

Impostor Syndrome: refers to an internal experience of believing that you are not as competent as others perceive you to be. While this definition is usually applied to intelligence and achievement, it also has links to perfectionism and the social context.

pic from the verywell website

The first time I heard this phrase was from my super-duper brilliant high school friend.
Ironically, she never thought she was brilliant. Back then, when most of us were already working or pursuing higher degrees, she was still thinking about doing a specialization in her medical studies. Because of that, she didn’t feel as great as everyone else.


Well, .. I felt it too. The feeling may come and go.



Before moving on, I'd like to say that this writing isn't academic and it's based on my experience and thought only. Okay...

Have you ever felt that you are never enough?
That annoying feeling that no matter how much you’ve achieved, your failures somehow feel more significant? Every time I think about this, I remember a conversation I had with my housemate during a field trip. He said,

“Humans are more attached to negative stories and feelings than to positive ones.”

Is it really like that?
When I scroll through the news on any platform, it seems true — negative stories do sell more.

As an English teacher who often deals with proficiency tests like TOEFL, I can relate deeply to his words. In the TOEFL Structure section, there are two types of questions:

• Completion items, where test-takers must choose the correct word or phrase to fill in a blank.

• Error analysis, where test-takers identify which of four options contains a grammatical mistake.

Interestingly, most students find the error analysis questions easier than the completion ones. Out of the 40 questions, only 15 ask us to “find the correct answer,” while 25 ask us to “find the error.”

What does this tell us?
That we are naturally more prone to notice mistakes.

(Original piece from December 2022 — continued in 2025)

Our brains are wired to notice negativity more than happiness. From an evolutionary point of view, our survival instincts trained our brains to stay on alert to protect us. We learn faster from painful experiences than from pleasant ones, because avoiding danger has always been key to survival.

That’s why negative memories leave deeper footprints than positive ones. It’s also why, in a workplace event, we may receive five compliments — but what stays rent-free in our minds is that one harsh comment.

This natural process of the brain, when it happens to overthinking individuals, can grow into something bigger.
A person who takes criticism too deeply — even with a shelf full of awards — may begin to see themselves as inadequate.

And this… is where impostor syndrome slowly creeps into our daily thoughts and perceptions.

At the end of the day, let this be a gentle reminder — a tool to help us stay humble, and to keep believing that everyone we meet in life knows something we don’t. The next time you hear that small voice inside your head saying, “You’re not enough,” let it become fuel to push you forward, not a brake that holds you back.

Impostor syndrome will always be there — even the most accomplished people experience it. But perhaps, it’s not a sign of weakness at all. It’s a sign that we are still learning, still growing, and still becoming.

Adagio; Can life be this sad?

When you want to read this writing, have Adagio for Strings, Op.11 played along.

Can life be this sad?
Whenever you think of your life, have you ever thought of your journey of life? From the time you actually remember things? Have you ever thought about how the things you remember the most are somehow the most miserable pieces of your life? Don't you ever wonder, every time you recall the saddest things in your life, those feelings just swarm in, and it feels like it's just happened.

the writing piece of March 2025

Your time is near

It was the first third of Ramadhan and I had so much turmoil already. My dearest cat, Taro passed away after being hospitalized 2 times, for more than two weeks. He couldn't make it any further. His time in this world has ended. Days after that, I got so many extra classes that made me get out of the house, so I didn't have to suffer realizing multiple times that Taro wasn't around anymore. 

A couple days after that, I had a nap and woke up from a weird vivid dream. I got one of my teeth pulled out. It instantly fell out of my gum out of nowhere. Legend has said that such a dream means your close one will be gone. That scared me for some time, but the feelings faded away.

Then...
I kept thinking about the unfinished matter I've had for so long time. Oh you.. If only you know how these feelings have been hanging. I can't go.. I just can't..
I need your help.

And.. these days, I've felt so empty and alone. Oh Allah, I need your help. And among all of these times, I felt like maybe my time is near. Maybe my time is near. But, every time I think about it, I wonder.. Oh Allah, am I not deserving to have what I want. 

This whole inside my chest. That feeling of nothingness had caused pains and I am numb.. I am numb.

ot make it  

Death

It's almost been for 4 years since I no longer use my personal IG. Due to a lack of confidence, the idea of "me equals failure" is so attached in my mind when I look through my posts on that IG. I even remember that I deleted a few posts that I think were "too high", it doesn't represent me at all. These "unworthy" feelings and "low self-esteem" have brought me to terrible emotional breakdowns a couple of times over the last four years.

All those achievements that I had, mean nothing. I'd got to the point where people could easily put me down with their looks. I was so weak and broken. I 

Until one time in the last three months, a series of tests had brought me down to my knees. It knocked me out so harshly. I mean, all this time, I got my power from people. But that time, people tested me a lot. Disappointment is common, but backstabbing!? It's something else. I had it before, long time ago. It was when I was small. Some people accused me of "stealing". Now I had few people that not only did they disappoint me, but also disregarded my integrity and dignity and tried to humiliate me in public. And what did I do.. Patience. Patience.. Patience. I felt weak and helpless. I didn't stand for myself, but I never regret it.

Instead, I found help. 
I tried to find help..

I went to therapy.

It was a bumpy process. It was a journey worth-taking. It is one of the best decisions I made this year.  

However, I lost some people in the process. I had to. I had to.. After I realized how tiring I was around them. How unequal the relationships are. I have stopped meeting people. I became more quite. I avoided gathering with people. I.. I.. I was so tired of these all.. I am so fed up of this episode I have to get through.

Four days ago,  a death news spread all over school. A parent of my students passed away. It was rather shocking news. No one expected this., I mean death is always surprising, but this one hit different. For the last four days, I kept thinking.. 

How if I die..

Will they cry and regret that they never try hard enough to "listen" to me.
Will they cry and regret the wrongdoings and backbiting they did to me.
Will they cry and regret that they used me too much for their own sakes.
Will my mom be okay. My mom.. TT,

But the more I think about death, the more I realize that this all insignificant,,
These people are insignificant, these pains are insignificant, these struggles and hardships are insignificant, these betrayals and disappointments are insignificant.

In the face of death, what I will bring is my deen and my deen only. 
Oh Allah, if the time is close, I am not ready. I mean.. noone's ready.
But, I hope I have more time to make my Mom feel enough of me.. 

I've found me again

I've just finished my second therapy tonight and I've never felt so good for such a long time. 

Out of all things I've decided doing for these last three years, going to therapy is my best decision so far.

The therapy was a big shook on my soul. It's like waking the "old me", the "best me" which have been paralyzed for a bit too long. And I can't thank you enough my dear therapist TT

It turns out that my grief of losing my father is one of the reasons. That broken dream in the beginning of 2020 is also the reason. It truly meant that way when I said "It feels like all my achievements in life have gone astray". It happened and I have to let go of my "confidence" and my "worth" asleep for some time.

Oh dear.. 
I cried tonight.. a bit much.. not too much. But this time, I cried out of gratefulness of welcoming an old friend. Everything else seems to be insignificant now. I feel like all this time, I don't put myself first risking my wellbeing at stake.

I have the control over myself again tonight! Allahu...
Alhamdulillah ya Rabb..

Mon.. Strong Mon, Cuek Mon.. You are worth! You are enough.

Once I've done the therapy, I went having ramen on my favorite ramen restaurant in the town, all by myself and I am okay. 

Mon.. welcome home, baby..
Let's have the ride of life again!

Ulee Kareng, 29 Agustus 2023

How "Full of Ourselves" we are

Humans is one of God's (if you believe one) unique creatures. We are blessed (again, if you believe that is such thing as  bless) with mind and IQ way higher than any other animals. 

We have body, soul, mental, and somehow, we all believe that we have hearts (don't we!?). I mean not the physiology one. It's the "feeling". Some of us believe that animals have it too. Through times, we are told that we are special creatures that walk with our two feet and touch and do stuff with our two hands. Unlike other primate, we call ourselves so advance that we create systems, we discover technology, and unfortunately, to the point where we can destroy everything we touch. 

The last seven weeks was like a roller coaster to me. I call it so alived (again) for so many times. But the highlight was at how I saw people's real colour with my very own eyes. 

I experienced what I call fall out of trust. I watched my dignity being destroyed before my very own eyes by the most trusted individuals (that I've just known for a short while). It felt so hurt that I didn't know if it's pure sadness or anger that played the big role in my reactions. You know it, when I call it reaction, it was always silence. Painful silence. 

Trust, dignity, integrity, lies, interest, carelessness, recklessness..

It all lead me to a new chapter where I met so many new friends (can I call them friends thou :p)

This group of people has helped me to detour from the "reality" for a short while every single day. I loved the moments, but I think it's too much now I'm just gonna call it an end for a while. 

You'd be surprised how much friendships I have made in this "online platform". It just painful reality that what we seek is actually acceptance and connection. Things that got disappear everyday in our daily life, in our real life actually.

I don't know...

Written on September 21.