It's 5-7 minutes to 3 in the morning and I'm here sad and crying for no reasons. Well.. maybe it's my hormone, I don't know., or maybe it's the songs. And the screen.. the screen is me when I was young and happier (I don't know).
All this time, all the bless, it's not that I deny this all oh God,.. I'm just so lonely out of sudden.
It's not that I'm being ungrateful. I'm just tired of hoping something I even have no guts to catch on. I'm tired of sending signs. It's been so long. And I feel like I'm over myself. It was just me who felt too much, assumed too far, liked so much that I lost my senses and logics.
Now that I'm sure that I have to stay grounded and finally believe that this is the end of "hoping", I felt so bad and hurt and so not deserving. I am sooo broken by my own thought and selfishness.
All the talks and words were just an act of politeness and kindness, and what was I thinking? I was such a fool! I was such a fool!
Now, I should leave this all behind. A friend once told me, "Oh come on.. you're too much. No one stupid enough like you wasting so much time on something so uncertain". I admitted then, I admit it now. I am so stupid.
Thinking about how I might die someday, and leave no trace behind, no some beautiful stories, I'm crashed in pieces, Oh Allah... help me...
Getting older and older by day, and later when I am too weak.. Oh so sad.. so miserable..
Oh Allah, help me, I can't stop..
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